Putting Up a Struggle

I love peace and quietness at home. In fact, after Joseph turned 2, these were rare occurrences at home. I would be quite happy to trade hard-to-win compliance from him with just peace and quietness.

However, teaching obedience comes with a price; it quite often comes with a struggle. It didn’t matter to Joseph that I was driven to my limits nor that I had in fact a pile of office work waiting for me to digest and especially not that I was exhausted from a day’s work. Joseph was determined to have his way. He would use a hammer to bang on the room door until it was dented, or he would roll on the floor if he found himself in a lying down position, or he would stomp on his feet if his two feet were conveniently standing, and his most powerful weapon would be his relentless, insufferable, aggravating cries!

I found my authority challenged, emotions drained, sanity pushed to the limit. Years ago, I read a book entitled “Boundary with Kids” in which the author encouraged the parents to stay firm and not give in to their children as one day, these children would “give up their stand” and choose to obey instead! For about two years, I was clinging onto this advice but more importantly, I have been praying to our Heavenly Father almost every night out of desperation.

To my surprise, I realised that the first person who needed changing was not Joseph but me! Through the crying sessions, God taught me about patience and staying focus. Moreover, my love for peace and quietness was in fact a reflection of my self-centredness. As soon as I put aside my expectation, I found his wailing sessions easier to bear.  Over time, I began to learn that part of the reason why he cried persistently was that he was afraid to lose my love. Therefore, despite feeling annoyed, I had to assure him that I loved him.

Recently, my mum commented to me “Did you realize that it has been some time since Joseph cry?” Much to my amazement, my mum was right! In fact, I thought that every one of us has a chapter similar to Joseph’s. First, we who are stiff necked, turned away from God and went after our own dreams. God through his patience and love, continued to pursue us until one day, we decided to return to Him in repentence. Over time, through the working of His Holy Spirit, we learned to obey God lovingly and willingly. Our lives display the work of His hands. Praise the Lord for His faithfulness!

“Trials have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” 1 Peter 1:7

Slowing Down

Due to my professional training, I placed great emphasis on deadlines and carried undue urgency in completing an assignment. Therefore, the phrase “learning to take my time” was alien in my work ethics, until my children came along.

Simple tasks like getting them to bed could take one hour or more, and weaning them to sleep on their own, at their own bed, has taken me more than 8 years and so far, I have yet to succeed! I used to take 15 mins to get ready before going out; now, I am delayed by having to pack and getting Clarissa and Joseph ready; and if any one of them were to interrupt my train of thoughts and instruct me further on what to bring, I would have forgotten what I was engaged in at the first place!

Through parenting, God has brought home a valuable lesson to me: Time is no longer of essence but how I bring up my children is of paramount importance. I could almost hear Him whispering into my ears “Fee, you need to slow down and listen to your children. You need to walk in step with them, otherwise, you would not be able to appreciate them as you ought to.”

Last Saturday, I had the opportunity to sit and watch Clarissa and Joseph taking their swimming lessons. To my amazement, they had progressed much more than I had expected. Joseph, my five year old, who could barely float 1 month ago, was learning free style!

Up till when Joseph was four, he was known to be difficult. His cries used to drive all of us up the wall and away from him. Now, I realised that he has shed his old ways. His dreaded trademark is replaced with cheerfulness and cheekiness. Most of all, he is able to listen to reasoning without losing his cool. I can’t help but smile when I see him kicking in the water despite his constant complains of chill. His ability to put aside his dislikes and emotions warms my heart.

Such reflections made me realize how much both of them have grown not only in physique but also in character. I used to make it my daily goal that they are trained to sleep in their own beds; now I am enjoying the warmth of their bodies and the sound of their breathing next to me every night. Thank you God for blessing me with Clarissa and Joseph and using them to change my worldly values.

Children are a gift from the Lord: they are a reward from Him. (Psa 127:3)

Losting Sight of our Core

As part of my work requirement, I have to read up on restaurant operations, F&B costings, marketing and hospitality. Recently, I was particular drawn towards an article entitled “Losing Sight of Our Core!”.  One of the main reasons why restaurants failed was that the operator had lost sight of what made it successful in the first place! In my heart, I was thinking: “How silly is this? You mean someone can be so accustomed to being successful, that he had forgotten what gets him there in the first place!?” I sniggered at the thought.

But then again, this is perfectly logically too. After having “made-it”, we took life for granted, thinking that we are above the game. I can confess to a daily checklist that I used to make up as a benchmark to measure “my happiness”! Good health – checked; Children with good exam results – acceptable and checked; Wealth building up – could be better but checked; Fine weather – checked!

And when most of our checklists are checked, it is no wonder that we thought that we could be invincible! However, we are mistaken and I have erred. I, as a mere created being, have no control over the status of my health. I can’t even lessen the strands of hair that fall off every day! As to my kids, I could give them many dull hours of tuition but if they couldn’t wise up and improve on their results, there is nothing I could do about it too. Wealth, majority of the world’s population is living below poverty’s line, so what made me different from the rest? Could it be pure chance that I was put, of all places and countries, Kampar in Malaysia? Finally, I can’t even prevent leakage caused by torrential rain in my house and therefore, I will confess that I am no weather woman.

Having evaluated my own checklists, I realized that I too, have lost sight of my core. I am in fact trying to build up wealth in this world more than accumulating rewards in heaven! This is a struggle that Paul had been through. Having spent so much time pursuing what he thought to be important, he finally realized that his CVs, credentials, and praises earned were rubbish (or dung!) compared to knowing Christ. Its through Christ that we gained a new lease of life and a new standing before God. Its through Christ’s death, that we are guaranteed a place in heaven. Therefore, we must not take our salvation lightly and continue in our sin. Afterall, what we amass on earth would only be temporary, but what we accumulate in heaven, would be eternal. Its easy to lose sight of eternity and focus on the “for now” but trust me, once we passed on, we would have an eternity to regret on the “what ifs”.

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things” Philippians 3:7-8

Street Appointment

During my student days in the UK, I joined a church nearby for their weekly street evangelism at an underground station. I found that approaching strangers to talk about Jesus was a struggle and had always admired those who were articulate. Loss for words, fear of saying the wrong stuff and of rejection were amongst the many constraints that I faced when deciding whether to step forward to intercept a pedestrian and start an “out of this world conversation”!

“Lord, I don’t know how I should do this, but I would like you to take the lead!” On some occasions, I didn’t manage to speak to anyone, probably due to my hesitation and fear; On others, I was told to go away in not so many words. However, there was this incident that made me looked at evangelism differently – that it was definitely a divine appointment.

On one particular winter Sunday, Grace and I have been standing at the entrance of the underground station for some time. To keep ourselves warm from the icy cold winds, we were hugging ourselves and occasionally, jumping on the same spot. Just then, a spectacled Chinese walked past us. “Excuse me, could we speak to you for a moment?” The conversation started with Grace telling him about Jesus, how he came to the world to die on the cross, so that we could be reconciled to God. During the conversation, we discovered that he was sent by his country on a scholarship to pursue a PhD at a renowned university in London.

Almost immediately, I started to feel small. Here we were talking to a person with exemplary academic results, hand-picked from a nation with a population of 2 billion (or thereabout). He must be cleverer than both Grace and I put together! Much to my amazement, he was very interested in what we had to say. “What do I have to do to be saved?” He asked earnestly and unexpectedly. At that very moment, I quickly whispered to Grace “People like him probably need to think about it. Why don’t we invite him to our Mandarin speaking church and ask him to go there to find out more?” I asked Grace who concurred with my view.

Almost immediately after he had left, I began to regret that I didn’t pray the sinner’s prayer with him on the spot. Afterall, a good PhD student would find very little time to attend church, no? So for six months I prayed and hoped that he would find his way to church. 

One day, I went to church early while the Mandarin church was still having their worship service. While waiting at the foyer, I started to chat to a friendly lady who was also waiting for someone. “Where do you come from?” I asked. “I came from China. My husband is studying here in London.” She answered. As the conversation continued, she told me that her husband came to this church because someone had shared with him one day at an underground station. I could feel myself choking back my tears as I listened. God had given me great comfort in knowing that the man did come after all. Before I knew it, I could hear a familiar voice calling from a distance. “Hello! How are you? I am so glad to see you here as I have been meaning to tell you that God has changed my life! I am so grateful that you have shared about Him with me!” The man came smiling, extending his hand to me! I was speechless! At that very instant, God has not only redeemed this man and his wife, He has also freed me from my regret! I am so humbled that God has used an imperfect being like me to bring His message to those who needed to hear it.

For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength. 1 Corinthian 1:25

Our Common Trademark

Ever since I became a parent, I found myself repeating instructions to my children. The other day, after I had finished showering Joseph who was whiney after a nap, I told him "It is time to get out of the bath tub!" But when I saw him standing stone-like, seemingly oblivious to what I said, I began to get annoyed and repeated loudly "Can't you hear me? It is time to get out of the bath tub!" Upon my second irritated command, he reluctantly stepped out and walked slowly out of the bathroom. "Did you not hear me the first time?" He nodded "Then, why didn't you obey me?" I was vexed by the fact that both Clarissa and Joseph had succeeded in turning me into a CD player that keeps playing the same "tune".

I have always wondered why children do not listen and obey at my first and kindly offered instructions. To begin with, I am normally patient, happy and at ease. Somehow, after a series of seemingly futile string of words, I become uncontrollably vexed, not to mention furious at times! I am almost inclined to think that children tend to react quicker towards an infuriated adult as compared to a loving and kind mummy. As I was digesting this irrational trademark of kids, I was reminded of my own spiritual walk with our Heavenly Father. I wondered if I had also taken advantage of His sound advice and chose to ignore them, whenever I think I could get away with it; and I am not surprised to discover that I behaved just like my own kids!

There is something in each of us that caused us to rebel against authority and it has a lame name called SIN. As much as I thought "Wouldn't it be wonderful if Joseph would just move (like a puppet) upon my first command. He would be happy and my emotions would remain unchallenged!" Unfortunately, as every one of us is not a puppet and is given a free will, we quite often make the wrong choice. As a result, we upset people around us and most of all, dishonored God. Therefore, before I start to wonder why my children do not obey me, I must instead examine myself and pray for His forgiveness!

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9)

When Loss is Gain!

Listening to my dad talking about how he survived through financial crisis and business failure is similar to me reading about how God had brought His people to their Promised Land. It is nothing short of miracles after miracles! Although my father is not a Christian (yet), he would often say that "Someone Up There" is looking after him. From his wealth of experience, he developed his unshakable faith.

Whenever an undesirable situation landed on our lap, my first reaction would be to calculate the costs and establish the probability of failure, so that I could work towards the upside; while my dear father would look at it from the most positive angle imaginable! He has faith to pull through any situation as he has been through worst. Ashamed that I am, I realised that God is using my dad to teach me a profound and yet untapped territory in my Christian walk with our Heavenly Father: I must believe in the impossible in every areas of my life, even if this means that my "professional training" might be challenged. Now, it is easy to believe in the impossible on behalf of someone else (like my dear friend, Liz) but to apply such belief in myself and our company's performance, would take much convincing altogether! "Would God be interested in businesses? Surely He would be more interested in those who are suffering because of their faith or involved in great calamities!" I told myself.

Ever since I moved back to Kampar, I have been learning that God is interested in every aspect of our lives, including the part that generates income! If our businesses/careers are going well, I know that we don't deserve such blessings but instead, we must humble ourselves before Him, who gives and takes away freely; If our businesses/careers are going in the opposite direction, we know that everything belongs to Him, and He would only have our best interests in mind. Problems arise when I start to put confidence in our material success and value our earthly dwelling more than our heavenly citizenship.

Recently, the local authorities gave us some problems despite our compliance. The impact could be devastating if not rectified. However this time, I am learning to look at the situation with faith rather than with fear, as I know He is in total control of the situation and steering it for our good. The God who took care of Abraham and my dad, will surely take care of me too.

"I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. ⁸ Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord" Philippians 3 : 7-8

When Failure Isn’t Important

Ever since Clarissa was enrolled in a Chinese school, I have been struggling with our local education system. Now that she is in primary 2, the standard of Chinese and Malay taught are unreasonably high whereas the English is still lingering within the region of kindergarten and primary 1! Teachers are geared towards the students' academic results rather than their overall development. I am not saying that these are all bad. There are still some good values inculcated such as respecting the elderly and even providing for our parents in their old age as a form of appreciation of what they had done for us! Such values may be regarded by many as outdated but in reality, these are important and would help to resolve many of our social problems.

I have never been so active in evaluating our education system until now. I need to amplify and reinforce the good and at the same time, critically evaluate and examine the "not so good". My most recent struggle had been to deal with Clarissa's overly poor performance in her Chinese and Malay papers during her mid-term examinations. "Clarissa needs to brush up on these 2 subjects. Otherwise, she would be lagging behind once she hits P3" advised her form teacher, Ms Ng. "It is unfortunate that she finds Malay challenging. This is accentuated by the fact that her Malay teacher, being a vice principal of the school, is regularly called away by his other commitments, resulting in an inevitable neglect of the subject in class." My heart sank as I realized that the school would not be able to help her but rather, I was expected to send her to the "right" tuition class.

It's a common strategy adopted among parents with children struggling academically. If one tutor is not adequate, get two! Therefore, most of her classmates are sent to tuitions 7 days a week. The term "childhood" is non-existent at this stage; and if anyone were to mention extra-curricular activities (like me), astonished looks would be cast. "After all, there is no time left to pursue anything. If there is, then your child is not putting enough effort in her studies!" commented a parent to me. But I am determined to be different. I would like my child to take up sports, enjoy music and attend BB so that she could learn about problem solving, team work, leadership and most importantly, God's words. All such activities come with a price tag: lower grades. "As long as Clarissa did well in English, Maths and Science, I must learn to be contended. Forget about the grades, class ranking, perpetual work and no play!" I kept telling myself and Ray.

Today I was feeling down as again, my values had been challenged when I discovered that Clarissa had failed her Malay test. "Should I cancel her music class so that I could send her to more tuition?" I kept asking myself. I had no choice but to turn to God and asked Him if I had done the right thing by refusing to conform. As I opened my daily devotional book, the verses sprung out:

"Many of those whose bodies lie dead and buried will rise up, some to everlasting life and some to shame and everlasting disgrace. Those who are wise will shine as bright as the sky, and those who lead many to righteousness will shine like the stars forever."Daniel 12:2-3

I could almost hear God telling me "Fee, you are not preparing Clarissa for her years at the primay school alone. You need to be focused on preparing her for her adulthood and eventually, if she would be regarded as one, who will shine as the stars forever!" Such words brought immense comfort and relief to me. After all, no parent would want to see her child fail in any way but after these verses, I realised some failures are not important; but there are some which are critical. May God grant me the wisdom and determination to distinguish between the two!

When Dreams become Reality

After finishing my professional exams, I took a farewell trip with some of my close friends in UK prior to my permanent return to Malaysia. We went to the Lake District and I was totally caught by surprise by the beautiful scenery displayed by the lakes and the hills at the backdrop. We went hiking one day and unknowingly, I found myself walking up the nearby hills. As soon as I turned around, I saw the vast lakes with mirror reflections sparkling before my eyes, the dotted cottages were blooming with summer flowers and creeping plants. Such breathtaking view spelt tranquility and peace. At that very instant, I could feel my soul talking to God "If only I could work in a place like this! This would be my dream indeed! But, I know that this is not possible as there is no such village in Malaysia!" I ended with my habitual sigh.

Upon my return to Malaysia, I settled in the KL quickly and found myself pursuing a demanding career. Years went by; I got married and had children. During this period, although I was in Malaysia, I didn't have much opportunity to see my parents who reside in Kampar due to my heavy work schedule. With the clock ticking and my parents advancing in years, again, I told God earnestly "Wouldn't it be great if I could spend more time with my parents? I left them since I turned 10 and it would be my greatest regret if they were gone before I could get to know them! But, I know that this is not possible as Ray, being a typical city person, would have difficulties adapting to a small place like Kampar!"

When Joseph turned 2 three years ago, there was an opening for me to move back to Kampar. The most amazing part is: God has been preparing both Ray and I for the move. For Ray, He had to show him that his career was not in KL and when He called his nanny home, Ray felt that he could go wherever God led since he needn't be around to take care of his nanny anymore. For me, I had quit my job in KL and was looking for a job that offered both challenge and quality time with my children. Therefore, this opportunity came at the right time.

When we first moved back, I noticed the mountain range near my house but didn't give much thought to it. In fact, I thought that it had looked out of place for a small town! But when I saw the many lakes nearby, I was reminded of my "dream job" conversation that took place 10 years ago. Looking back, that wasn't just a casual conversation, but one that God took seriously. In fact, He had never took it otherwise as He knew all along that my dream job would materialize in His leading hands. I felt like I was unwrapping a much anticipated Christmas present while our Father must be thinking all along "I can't wait to see the smile on your face, when you realized what I had in stored for you!" In this instance, I had opened 2 presents at one go! Praise Him for His faithfulness and everlasting love!

The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer is from the Lord. (Proverbs 16:1)

A Better Person

When Joseph is caught doing something wrong, he is prompt to apologise; Clarissa on the other hand will take her time to analyse the situation to ascertain if an apology is due; if so, she would apologise 24 hours later, when she is done being angry! As a parent and being in the receiving end, I welcome my children's apologies like morning dew as they help me to diffuse my anger. Clarissa noticed that I praised Joseph for his quick response despite the fact that his next course of action might betray his sincerity.

Once, Clarissa questioned my love for her and even challenged me, if I had favoured her mischievous brother more. "I like the fact that Joseph says sorry when told to do so. This shows that he knows that he is wrong." I began my attempt at explaining. "But, he will do the same thing again!" she objected. "Well, he is still young and is likely to make the same mistakes again. We all make mistakes now and again. The important thing is: we must remember to say sorry and say it quickly" I persisted.

I didn't expect her to change as I know that it takes more than mere words to change a person; it requires divine intervention. However, I believed that she had taken my point seriously. After that conversation, I started to pay more attention to her love language (primarily food). Then last Saturday, while we were having dinner at a restaurant, everyone's order had come except for mine. "Hi mummy, are you ok? Would you like some of my food?" she offered kindly and totally out my expectation! "Why? What a sweet offer!" I was touched beyond words. Later, I asked her about her behavior during dinner time and she replied "Mummy, I have decided to be a better person. For example, I will try to say sorry quickly whenever I am wrong and be kind to others!" And for the rest of the weekend, whenever she did something wrong, she would apologise even before I asked her to!

Her action has inspired me to be a better person too as I realized that if God can work in her; He can surely works in me too! There will be the occasional failure of course, but it's encouraging to see that one is never too young nor too old for character moulding!

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Hope for the Hopeless

Over the weekend, my soul was warmly refreshed by a conversation I shared with my cousin, El. El is the same age as me and was brought up as a Catholic. Despite our different upbringing, we got on well as kids and now that both of us are married with children, we could still chat like old friends.

We were on the challenging topic of educating our children when she confessed "I didn't have a personal relationship with God until recently. I would like Nicholas (her 7 year old son) to go to a Chinese primary school but up till two days before the new semester was due to start, I still didn't receive any acceptance letter from the school (located in the heavily populated suberb Puchong). To make matter worst, when Nicholas asked me which school he was going, I couldn't answer him. In fact, I was close to tears when I heard his question. There and then, I told him that we would pray and ask God to show us. And the very next day, we received the letter of acceptance from the school!" I was so touched that our Heavenly Father has been working in her life. "From then onwards, I could really see that Nicholas has developed faith in God" she added.

As the conversation continued, I realized that there was so much that I didn't know about her. "My husband was a staunched Christians many years ago but now things have changed. During the birth of both my children, he went to see a traditional feng shui master to obtain "good fortune" names for the children. When he came back, El was informed that her children are not the studious type and are mostly to fail in their education. Therefore, El was advised not to place too much hope in them! I could imagine the shock and disappointment El faced back then. Afterall, both of us in our younger days, despite being in different schools, were competitive as far as study was concerned. To top it all, El's mother was a secondary school teacher in one of Ipoh's most well known schools. And to think that our childrens' future could be determined by a stranger and worst, accepted by the husband!

"I am all out to prove him (the feng shui master) wrong!" she said emotionally. My own emotions were in turmoil as I listened to her struggles: I could hardly contain my own anger. The only thing that was holding me back was that I realized that God is playing a big part in her life, giving her strength and answering her prayers! In fact, her discovery of God reminded me that I should not take my relationship with God for granted. He is REAL and ACTIVE.

"Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved" Romans 10:13

An additional love language – food!

As I am not a food lover, I can't imagine nor appreciate the joy and satisfaction one could derive from having a sumptuous meal. I eat for survival but I noticed that Clarissa eats for enjoyment and indulgence! Over time, I realized that for Asians especially, we must not overlook that our children can speak the love language of Food!

After a series of conflicts with my girl, I realized that the topic of food could quite often melt her hardened heart. Once, we had some frozen Australian abalones from a friend. My mum did the simple tasks of boiling and slicing them into thin slices but the response was totally out of this world! "Its heaven to me! Now, please could I have another slice of heaven?" exclaimed Clarissa after the first slice landed in her mouth. I was both amused and surprised that one piece of abalone could draw such praises and smiles of appreciation from her!

As a parent in this generation, I must learn to be sensitive towards my children, especially towards their love language. Afterall, I need to know their soft spots, in order that I could stand a better chance of winning them over and building a lasting, influential relationship with them.