A Miracle Baby

Nine months of mental preparation is still inadequate for me to welcome No 3 baby into the family. Well, its wasn’t that I am not looking forward to have another baby, but the pain and fear of death (!) experienced during my C-section and thereafter are constantly haunting me.

However, I know that God is with me and He will grant me strength and courage to pull through the dreaded 1^st few weeks after birth.  The idea of being an invalid for the 1^st couple of days after the operation reminded me of how vulnerable we truly are.

At this point where I am counting down to my BIG DAY (only 4 more days to go), I should remind myself of God’s grace and provision in the past 9 months. For a start, both Ray & I were pleasantly surprised when I was pregnant with no. 3 as we had doubts if I could still conceive at my age! That was when we decided to call this our miracle baby!

Not long after our discovery, I went for a site visit and without giving it a second thought, I lifted a wooden structure that had appeared deceivingly light. Almost immediately, I could hear my boss telling me that the item should be left alone due to its weight. In the split of a second, I could experience some abdominal pain but I told myself, that I was carrying a miracle baby and that God would protect her: The pain left almost immediately.

Well into my 2^nd trimester, I received a complaint from a pedestrian in my office that she had stepped on the rusty metal drain cover located right in front of my office, resulting in a major fall through into the drain that required 18 stitches on her legs! She was here demanding for a compensation. I took a look at the metal drain cover and sure enough, it had rusted to the core and was fragile. It could have been me that stepped on the metal drain cover since it was just in front of my office! Without my knowledge, God had sent His angels to protect my footsteps! Praise Him for His faithfulness!

As I was entering into my 3^rd trimester, my doctor informed me that Priscilla (the name given to our miracle baby) wasn’t growing and was on the small side. This was despite me eating more and piling on weight too! Finally, instead of feeling down and worried, I asked the doctor if her machine has marginal error.  “Yes, very likely! In fact, I have just delivered a 3.8kg baby when the scan estimated that the baby was only 3.2kg!” she replied with a smile. Since then, I began to cling more onto God’s words than the high tech scanning machine.

I thank our Heavenly Father for His protection on me and Priscilla for the past nine months. I am sure that there were more unnoticed incidents that He had diverted to protect me! One thing I know for sure, since its His idea to bless me with Priscilla, He would see to it that I would have a safe delivery and for that, I am deeply grateful and touched. He is indeed a GOOD GOD!

“being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;” Philippians 1:6

Keeping the Right Focus

Out of the many precious lessons I have learnt as a parent, I must say that keeping an eye on my kids’ future is one that keeps coming back to me. Over time, I discovered that parenting is more than just meeting the physical and emotional needs of our children now, it also entails planning and praying for their future. Therefore, whenever Clarissa or Joseph faces minor setback eg failing in school exams or poor performance, I would subconsciously put on my binoculars for the future and try to see what I hope to achieve or rather, they could achieve and work backwards from there. It could be rather daunting at first but it sure puts things into perspective for me.

Recently, Clarissa did poorly in her exams, in particular her Chinese. Although this is nothing new as kids too could have their ups and downs in their school work, I would still spend a significant of my time evaluating what went wrong and how I could have help her better. This exercise quite often drew me to the conclusion that the wrong emphasis is being practiced in our present education system. At P3, her level of Chinese and Malay are frankly, way beyond what should be reasonably expected from a nine year old; in contrast, the level of English taught, as quoted by Clarissa, is “only marginally more difficult than her kindergarten!”

As a result, like most parents, I would like her to excel in her Chinese and Malay but unlike most parents, I wouldn’t want to place undue pressure on her by either sending her to more tuitions or giving her more workbooks as I am convicted that ultimately, English is more important. There are thus two value systems at work here: I expect both my kids to master the English language at a level that is higher than what was taught in school; at school, the teachers expect them to have strong command of Chinese and Malay.

The above exercise reminds me of what Paul wrote in the scriptures:-

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corin 4:18

As much as I tried to practice looking into the binoculars for my children’s future, I should also try to fix my eyes on things that carry eternal values. 

Japan

A few weeks back, the History Channel broadcasted a documentary about how wicked the Japanese were during World War II. At that point in time, my aunt from Canada was visiting. So, there we were, Clarissa, Aunty Audrey & I, watching the gruesome program at the edge of our seats. As expected, Clarissa started to ask what torture meant, how were the Chinese tortured, how hanging could kill a person etc. Aunty Audrey did most of the explaining as accurate as she could and even added that much more barbaric actions were conducted than those documented, such as de-skinning! I could barely took in such information without shedding a tear or not feeling some resentment against the Japanese.

Fast-forward 4 weeks later, the Japanese is now facing its greatest crisis after World War II. My heart really went out to the nation, who is encountering disaster after disaster. When the earthquake first siezed the country, I told Clarissa about Japan. “I know as I have heard it from Shara (her cousin) at Boys Brigade.” She said matter-of-factly. “Don’t you feel sorry for them?” I asked feeling surprised, as she was normally more compassionate than this. “Why? They were wicked people, remember?” she replied.

I was ill-prepared for her response. I had wanted to tell her about innocent kids becoming orphans overnight as the Tsunami had swept away their parents; I wanted to highlight that many lives had perished, close to 10,000; the entire Japan is facing a crisis like never before. However, all of these tragedies were displayed during World War II except that the role was reversed. Clarissa understood the documentary on the History Channel, World War II and its implication.

Now, I need God’s wisdom to teach her about forgiveness and being compassionate to others, who may or may not be deserving, as only God could be the ultimate judge. We are called to love and forgive even when it hurts us to do so. 

Mean what I pray

Every night, I prayed with Clarissa that she would grow up to be a God fearing woman, who serves Him, and I meant every word that I prayed…at least, I thought I did.

A few days ago, I was looking through Clarissa’s homework. Apart from the unusually difficult Chinese, she had to juggle with the unreasonably high-standard Malay being taught in her school. At home, I would encourage her to read English books and write English essays. For a nine year old, I thought that having to cope with 3 first languages was quite a mountainous task. To make matter worst, we don’t speak a word of Malay at home. Therefore, she would have to literally memorize every Malay word that she learnt in school. One big chunk of my heart really goes out to her.

However one day, she told me excitedly, “Mum, I have been selected to distribute food vouchers in school!” At the back of my mind, I thought she was already doing enough for the school by being the cleanliness officer in her class. This meant that she would be spending almost every recess in her class, with little or no opportunity to play in the field. “What? But you are only distributing the food vouchers for your class right?” I asked, without sounding overly bothered. “No, I am actually distributing it for the entire school!” May I add here that her school comprises of 18 classes, sprawling over three buildings, one of which is three-storey high! The food vouchers are distributed to students who come from poor family background and entitled the bearer to free meals in the canteen.

“Where do you find time to do this and how long would you take to distribute all the vouchers?” I asked worriedly. “Well, I do it during my Malay class and unlike my friend who took 40 minutes, I took only 20 minutes!” she replied proudly. “What? You are already struggling with your Malay, now with 20 minutes less Malay a day, you are bound to have difficulties!” I couldn’t hide my dismay, much as I tried. In fact, I began to rehearse at the back of my mind, my lines to her class teacher to persuade her to appoint someone else for this duty. “Oh mum, don’t worry! I have everything under control! To ensure that I don’t miss anything, I would ask my classmates upon my return. Moreover, I think I am down to do this only twice a week.” She replied reassuringly.

For the next couple of days, I struggled with this. I just couldn’t bear the thought of my poor girl running around the school with food vouchers in her hand, and missing Malay class. Finally, this morning during my quiet time, I felt a still small voice telling me “Fee, why are you sad that Clarissa is serving me? Do you think that it is more important for her to obey you or for her to do what I have chosen for her?” I felt ashamed that I had forgotten that Clarissa was in fact doing a meaningful work. Without food vouchers timely delivered, the underprivileged kids would not be able to enjoy their free meals. Afterall, I should learn to release her to do God’s work as I have prayed daily. Thank you Heavenly Father for your timely reminder. 

Lessons from A Child

I know that I shouldn’t be surprised when God use my children to reveal what is in my heart: but it’s a form of discipline that I find it hard to swallow.

It was Clarissa’s birthday last Saturday. Two of her close friends, since her kindy years, showered her with presents; and I too would reciprocate on their birthdays. It was easy to repay those who were kind and generous to my kids.

However, 2 days ago, upon learning that I had to make a business trip to KL, Clarissa started to make a shopping list for me, to get birthday presents for three of her classmates! “Did they get you anything for your birthday?” I queried. “No, but they are my special friends.” She explained. “Did they know that it was your birthday last Saturday?” I insisted. “Yes, but Jia Yu (her class monitor) said that since my birthday is now over, she would get one for me next year! And, mummy, these are their requests….” She continued, oblivious to my point. “Jia Yu would like to have 36 colour pencils, similar to the one I have and the neon colour pencils too. Ah Jian would like to have colour pencils too on his birthday and finally, Kai Sin would like to have a mechanical pencil.” As she was iterating her list, I was struggling with God.

As Clarissa insisted on the same brand of colour pencils that I had bought for her, there was no way that I could cut corners. Grudgingly, I bought these in KL but throughout this time, I was wondering if Clarissa was being taken advantage of. I wouldn’t want her friends to think of her like a Santa Claus! Finally, I decided to have one last heart-to-heart with her on this issue. “Clarissa, do you think that your friends might be taking advantage of you?” I asked tactfully. “Mummy, didn’t God say in His words that we should help the less well-off? Jia Yu comes from a poor family. She had to share her colour pencils with her siblings, resulting in her having to borrow from her classmates. Ah Jian too is the same. In fact, he doesn’t even have any colour pencils!” As she continued, God was revealing to me how selfish I was! I had allowed my “protective motherly” instinct as an excuse for me to withhold my kindness and generosity to my “neighbours”. I was indeed greatly humbled by this occasion; in fact, I thought I had failed miserably!

It was no wonder that Jesus said in His words, that we should be like little children, in order to come before Him! Adults like me are too complicated, so much so that we ended up judging others, whether knowingly or unknowingly, whether out of good intentions (but really read ill beneath) to rationalize our actions. God have mercy on me.

“Then Jesus said to his host, “When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or sisters, your relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid.  But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.” (Luke 14:12-14)

A Role to be Proud Of

After her 1^st day in school this year, Clarissa announced that she did not put her name forward to be nominated as the class monitor or team leader. “Both roles involve quite a bit of work. I have been a team leader for the past one year and I don’t wish to continue in this role.” She began her lengthy explanation. “So, what do you have in mind?” I asked, with a typical parent mentality, fearing that she has grown to resist responsibility.

“Well, maybe a prefect or a librarian.” She said doubtfully. “I am not sure yet.” I didn’t want to push her into any roles that she was not willing to take up but at the same time, I didn’t want to appear passive. After some thoughts and based on my understanding of her character, I decided to let go of the issue.

A week later, after she came back from school, she declared proudly that her teacher has handpicked her to be the cleanliness officer! I was quite taken aback, not because she was handpicked but rather, I wouldn’t have thought that cleanliness officer would be a role that I would be proud of! After all, I have no interests in sweeping or dusting (since both actions arouse my sinus). However, I was pleasantly surprised by her enthusiasm….she was selling the idea to me and succeeding! “Mummy, I will be the only student who has the privilege to roam into class whenever I like during recess (while most are prohibited to stay in class). I would have greater authority than the prefect, who is only on duty once a week! I am on duty for the full 5 days!” She began to list down the advantages of her role.

“And I have to inspect the classroom everyday to ensure that its clean.” She continued. “What if it is still dirty?” I asked, worrying that she might have to pick up the broom every day (not that this is a bad thing of course, but she would have less time to eat should this happen!) “I will inform Ms Ng (her form teacher) to let her know which student did not perform his duty. I would also get to organize contest, to see which group did the cleanest job!” Clarissa was clearly oblivious to my concerns.

“Do you have to reward them too? Are you going to use your pocket money to buy presents?” I was beginning to get worried since she would be on duty throughout the week, the cost of the presents could mount up! “Oh no, Ms Ng will reward them based on my recommendations! Isn’t that great? I have even prepared an exercise book, to note the performance every day!” As much as I would like to look supportive and encouraging, I couldn’t hide my doubts. “How would you find time to buy food from the canteen?” I asked again. “Oh, I could bring food to school and eat quickly!” She had it all figured out! “But, daddy still thinks that I should have gone for the prefect role! He didn’t know that my role is more important since I have to be on duty for 5 days!” she said convincingly.

“Well, since you have it all figured out, I think you have landed yourself a fantastic role! Its great that you have it all planned out so that it would not jeopardize your own recess time.” Finally, I was bought over! Throughout our conversation, I could tell that she was eager to “sell” me the idea that her role is the best! Afterall, there could only be one officer (with no assistant as emphasized by her) and she was handpicked. I could almost foresee the day that she announced her career path to me and my immediate reactions! However, I am sure glad that God is giving me these mini-rehearsals to prepare me for the bigger decisions that she would make in the future.  Afterall, it is of paramount importance that I do not impose my preferences or dislikes on her.  And I must say that I am proud of her, taking her role so seriously.

When An Apology Is Due

As a parent, I demand apologies from my children whenever they have disobeyed me but recently, I find that God has been speaking to me, about offering my apologies to my children when I have wronged them or over-reacted. I must admit that when it comes to my turn, I struggle with it. “Afterall, my children should understand that it was them who gave me an unreasonable request” or “They should know when not to aggravate me, especially when I have told them that I have had a long day at work.”

Being brought up in a strict Chinese family, apologies from parents are almost unheard of as I have always been told to be understanding: When kids have committed a wrong doing, they must apologise immediately; if adults have done something wrong, they have their reason and its always a good one, which they do not need to explain to the younger generation!

As I pray the Lord’s prayer with Clarissa and Joseph every night, I am reminded that I should forgive my own children for their wrong doings or unreasonable requests. Similarly, I should also ask for their forgiveness for my misbehaviour as a parent (which occurs quite frequently too)!

As much as I yearn to be reconciled to God over my disobedience, I should not delay my own reconciliation with my kids, so that they too could experience restoration in our relationship. Children might not know when to ask for apologies from us, but we as parents, we would know if we have overstepped the boundary from the expressions or agitations in their behaviour. An apology could be due from us, and let us not hesitate in offering it to our children.

When I Am Not Aware of What I Need

I didn’t know that my old bedroom was too cramped for our family. Since moving back to Kampar, all four of us, had been sleeping in one room, which played the multiple role of being the kid’s TV room and dining room! In fact, we could store so many toys and stuff in this room that most of the times, I would give up looking for them as this would mean, moving out the mattresses and boxes of toys!

When the time came for us to move house, I was ill prepared. In fact, I was 5 months pregnant and packing was the last thing on my mind. However, my dad said that we MUST move by Monday, which gave me a good 24 hours to think about what to pack and load! As soon as we got to the new house, I was amazed at the amount of space we were offered! In fact, I thought our bedrooms and Ray’s study would look very empty since we had “very little” to begin with! However, much to my astonishment, we have somehow managed to “stock-up” the rooms with little effort, containing solely of stuff from our old house!

“I wondered how you have lived in the old house, cramped in a small room, with so much stuff stored away for the past 3 years!” my mum exclaimed as she examined the condition of our new habitat. Then, it dawned on me that God had provided a new house for us, with much more space, even without my knowledge, knowing full well that we are in need of it! In fact, moving house was my dad’s idea (or God’s instilled) without our requesting for it. But, isn’t this the way it is with God? He gave us risk-taking miners to extract minerals, famous inventors who had helped to enhance our lives and hardworking farmers to provide us with food, most of whom we have not met and without our asking for them? For He knows what we need even before we enter into His presence.  Thank you Heavenly Father for your generous provision.

Matthew 6:31-33 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 

Friendship that caused a stir in my life

December has been a great time of reunion for me: I met up with my British guardians in Singapore 3 weeks ago. This lovely couple took care of me during my A-levels when I was studying in a boarding school south of London. As I was feeling home-sick and depressed in a foreign environment, my brother who was then working in Newcastle contacted his friend who worked for OMF. Subsequently, this dear brother got in touched with Ray & Carol, the OMF prayer partners in Guildford. Ray & Carol, who had no idea who I was, took an out-of-the-ordinary step to drive down to my school and offered me a weekend home with them!

Back then, I did not realise how much God has played a role in providing for my needs and moulding my character. This godly couple had not only shown me God’s kindness but they were willing to go the extra mile by giving me advice in areas which I needed most. In fact, all through my life, God has planted numerous friends who acted as advisers to me, though I might not welcome them then. On retrospect, I am truly grateful for the special roles that these people had played in my life. I could still recall that when I had wanted to skip church on Sunday and concentrate on my study, Ray’s words rung through my ears “Give God your Sabbath! Don’t let your studies reign your life but God.”

Besides Ray and Carol, I have also met up with one of my secondary school friends in Singapore who had also played an influential part in my life. She took the risk by pointing out areas in my life that could be improved. At this time and age, it would be difficult to find such gems in our lives. Afterall, people are too busy with their own lives than to take time off, to think about another’s problem, let alone offering advice. With technology at the tip of our fingers, face-to-face communication has become secondary and avoidable. The essence of friendship is diluted through smses and emails, whereby one’s emotions had to be second guessed.

Thank you God for blessing me with godly friends who made a stand for you, as without them, I might have been swayed in the wrong direction. Today, I pray that you will bless my children with godly friends, who are willing to risk their friendships by standing up for what is right.

Christmas Lunch

Every Christmas, we would be busy shopping and buying gifts for our loved ones. But this Christmas, I am glad that it is different from the norm, partly due to the fact that I am carrying an extra burden of an unborn baby of 5 months and therefore, finding it tiresome to walk and hunt for gifts (PTL!); and mostly due our company’s sponsorship to provide a free lunch for a group of underprivileged Orang Asli kids (OA) at the hotel.

Initially, I was going to skip the luncheon as I had taken leave to move house. However, the organizer had sent me numerous reminders that saying no had become difficult. When I arrived at the hotel coffee house, I saw close to smiling 30 OA preschoolers, chatting away. They put on their Sunday best as it was their first time stepping into a hotel. “These children had been pestering us, asking us if the BIG DAY to the hotel is tomorrow for an entire month!” explained the organizer. Unknown to me, these kids had experienced their many first that day: First time stepping into a hotel, first time having a western meal, first time seeing and tasting ice-cream! From the look of their joyous faces, I would have no idea that they came from families who were too poor to send them to school and feed them regularly. Some of them only get to eat chicken once a year and even then, the portion would be very limited. The volunteers did a great job in ensuring that the OA kids were well behaved. As the children put on their party hats and blow their whistles, I realised that a simple lunch had brought about much joy and hope to their lives.

As I reflect on my own children, I am grateful that God has blessed me with the means and the ability to provide for them. This Christmas, may I be inspired to pray and think of ways to bless those who are less privileged.

And the King will say, 'I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!' Matthew 25:40

Waiting

As a parent, I found that an astonishing amount of my time was spent on waiting. Just the other day, I commented to Clarissa that I spent on average 2 hours waiting for her. On an normal day, I would spent half an hour waiting for her in school before she get picked up, another half an hour would be spent ferrying her to tuition class. Night time, I would be waiting for her to finish her dinner so that I could go through some of the tougher homework with her.

I have never thought about such time spent on waiting until I found myself repeating the same sentences day after day like "Please have your dinner now!" or "Please start doing your homework now!" Unfortunately, my "patience" was not always reciprocated. If Clarissa wanted something from me, she would want it now, without a moment of delay. In fact, it came to a point when I had to explain to her that I too had to spend time waiting for her. Initially, she found it hard to believe and began to itemize every single event that took place throughout the week. To both our amazement, there was only one instance that she actually spent time waited for me. I won the "competition" of waiting hands down, without a doubt.

When I examined my own spiritual life, it came as no surprises that I treated God, like the way Clarissa behaved towards me. "Dear God, it would be great that my prayers could be answered ASAP (read NOW)! But as to my shortcomings, I need a bit more time before I could surrender to you!" or "Lord, I am tired of always waiting for You to answer my prayers (and I have no idea that You have spent a long time, waiting for me to listen to what You have to say as I was too busy with other less significant matters in my life!)" Being a parent made me realize that our Heavenly Father had made more sacrifices than I had realized.

Lord, please help me not to take you for granted. For every moment that I spent waiting for Clarissa, remind me that You are also waiting for me, to pray and spend time with You.