How Do We Sound to our Kids?

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If you need a mirror to check on how you are doing as a mother, try leading a pre-teens bible study! A few weeks ago, I was scheduled to conduct a bible study for kids aged between 8-12. We were focusing on the book of James - the taming of our tongues. “Therefore, let’s all try to speak positive words to each other?! Joseph, could you try to say positive words to your sister this week?” I asked my son expectantly in the study. Before he could reply, my eldest Clarissa who was also in the study, interjected by spilling our family secrets: From how negative mummy (aka bible study leader) usually is with her words on their school homework, behaviour to other people in the family. If there is a list she could make, I suspect it would be longer than Santa Claus's present list!

I was left red faced, hot from embarrassment. It dawned on me that the study IS for me! As soon as she finished which sounded like forever to my ears, another child also commented on how negative parents generally are! “Gosh! We parents also have a lot to learn about taming our tongue! So kids, we are in this journey together, & as a mother I will try to be more positive in the weeks to come!” I tried to sound as convincingly as I could!

Dear God, forgive me that I was blind to my own negativity. I need to have more faith in You, in order for me to speak word of life to my children.

James 3: When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. ⁴ Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. ⁵ Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. ⁶ The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

My Testimony

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At a very young age, I recalled asking myself & people around me, what was the point of life? I didn't understand why people were born, lived, earned a living, raised children and eventually died. The worst part was, when I asked the adults about what happened after death, they would either shun the question by telling me that it was an inauspicious topic to discuss or that we would only know when we died! There was no answer!

Being in a Buddist family did not help. I was told to good works so that I could have a better after life, but when I asked how much good work I needed to do, no one could give me a definite answer. One thing did stand out though, if I did anything wrong, my mum was sure to send me on a guilt trip making me feel lost & frustrated: No one offered me forgiveness or assurance that life was going to be alright, I could always start afresh.

However, God heard my plight and sent a Christian domestic helper to work in our household. When I was seven, Vera brought me to church & my parents were not happy. Church going was prohibited by my family, but that just made me want to go to church more, as I was excited to break house rules! Gradually, I became more rebellious & my mother would clamp down on me even harder through various punishment: I retaliated wherever possible, thinking that I would be happy. The truth was the more I disobeyed my mum, the more guilty & unhappy I grew.

When I was ten, I went to Singapore to study. There, I had all the freedom to do what I wanted but strangely enough, I didn’t do anything that would upset my parents. Eventually when I reached teenage, Vera came to Singapore to study at a missionary college. We were re-united and this time, I went to church for myself. There, I found forgiveness through Jesus dying on the cross for my sins. I could start afresh not just on the day that I accepted Jesus but daily! I felt set free from my years of guilt heaped on unconsciously! The best part didn’t end here. The bible says that Jesus is preparing a room for me in heaven. Therefore, I have no fear of death, as death is only the beginning of my heavenly relationship with God. My life now has a purpose: I felt completed with Jesus in my heart, as now the hole in my heart is filled!

 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

My Perfect 3

In the past year, I’m learning and relearning how to be a parent. In fact, as my kids grow, I need to be more creative in connecting with them. What worked last year, may not work this year!

Just today, my eldest is teaching me that SHE can be sarcastic and when I responded with disbelief, she spelt out the word to make sure that I got the picture! Thankfully, God has sent a little package in the form of Prissy to remind me to take life a little easier, preferably with humour. J

Joseph on the other hand, likes to say harsh words with a smile at the corner of his lips. He has a soft heart but a hard shell. Punishment has now reduced down to: “If you don’t finish your work, I’ll punish you with a kiss!” A peck on the cheek has become his most dreaded discipline. “And, I used to hug and cuddle him!” I do miss him as a baby, but despair not, when he’s asleep I would have my fill of stroking his head.

And of course there’s Prissy, who is hoping to become like her sister or brother one day! She would remind me of the many good years I had had with Clarissa and Joseph. Although she is only 3 y.o, she behaves like a little lady. She loves being the centre of attraction, and copes with my outburst of emotions exceedingly well. Thank You God for giving me my perfect 3. I have learnt so much from them and I know, there is still more to be discovered.

When A Serious Mum meets a Humorous Child

I’m convinced that God gave us children, so that we could be better for Him. Prissy, unlike her older siblings, loves to sing, dance and wriggle (no prize for guessing her favourite shows) all day. Her cheekiness sometimes is a challenge but most times, will bring a smile to my seriousness.

I’m the serious type, in fact, I don’t know any other way as a parent but THAT.  A week ago, Prissy stationed herself on her bike, stopped at the top of the staircase and asked “I go down the staircase ok?” If there were an uncontrollable wild cat in the house, it would have been me!

Frantically, I told her in a stern and loud tone, intercepted with lots of alarming words such as needles, injections, blood and hospital. Repetition, unfortunately, is a mother’s ill habit of which I had not been spared. So, there I was repeating myself, with my hands waving in the air; while my 3 y.o moved from her bike to the sofa. She waited for me to finish, before asking “WHY so fierce?” in an astonishingly calm voice. I didn’t know whether to laugh with a snort or be mad at her. Either way, I was amazed by her ability to control her emotions, in front of an infuriating mummy! I guessed that spoke volumes about her, and about me too. “Perhaps, I should take things a little lightly, with a pinch of humour!” I told myself.

The next day, Prissy was with me in the bedroom when she slide her fingers in the gap between the door and its frame where it was hinged. Having learnt my embarrassing display of emotions from the day before, I told her sternly that she should not put her finger there. “Instead, you could put your finger on your head, or your nose, or even fold your hands together to act in a stern manner.” I told her. Together, we acted out our silly manners and had a good laugh.

It took no. 3 for me to realise that there IS a different way to approach parenting, and truly Prissy is God sent. Thank you Heavenly Father for your patience with me, and your humour, for showing me that sometimes its ok to laugh it off.  

Fee is Free indeed!

Due to the nature of my name, Fee, friends smiled when I told them that my blog is called Fee is Free. Literally, coming from an accountant, fee is Free is contradictory but yet, its good news. For a long time, I have wanted to write about the origin of my blog name but felt ill equipped to do so. Finally, this morning, my devotion had adequately spelt out the essence of how I felt about myself and couldn't resist to post it here. Thank you John Piper, you are truly God Sent!

The Only True Freedom (by John Piper)

Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, "If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:31-32)

There are at least four kinds of freedom. And each one adds a crucial dimension of freedom to the last until we get to the full freedom—"free indeed." Let me try to sum up these four kinds of freedom in one definition of full and complete freedom: You are fully free—completely free, free indeed—when you have the desire, the ability, and the opportunity to do what will make you happy in a thousand years. Or we could say, You are fully free when you have the desire, the ability, and the opportunity to do what will leave you no regrets forever.

• If you don't have the desire to do a thing, you are not fully free to do it. Oh, you may muster the will power to do what you don't want to do, but nobody calls that full freedom. It's not the way we want to live. There is a constraint and pressure on us that we don't want.
• And if you have the desire to do something, but no ability to do it, you are not free to do it.
• And if you have the desire and the ability to do something, but no opportunity to do it, you are not free to do it.
• And if you have the desire to do something, and the ability to do it, and the opportunity to do it, but it destroys you in the end, you are not fully free—not free indeed.

To be fully free, we must have the desire, the ability, and the opportunity to do what will make us happy forever. No regrets. And only Jesus, the Son of God who died and rose for us, can make that possible. If the Son shall set you free, you shall be free indeed. To be happy forever, our sins must be forgiven and God's wrath removed and Christ must become our supreme Treasure. Only Jesus can do that. In fact, he has already done it. He died for our sins. He absorbed God's wrath. And he rose from the dead and is today therefore supremely precious. And he offers us that now as a free gift.

A Beautiful Tapestry

A few years ago when I watched the movie, The Blind Side, God gave me the conviction to start a school that could impact lives. I have always wondered since the school started, did we really impact lives? Today, I have my answers.

Gabriel had stopped attending his local secondary school for close to 2 months as not only was he ostracized by his teachers, he was written off as “useless” by his family. Out of desperation, his mother signed up his son with us. During our term two report card day, both his parents turned up to speak to our teachers. His mother was especially overjoyed “All his life, Gabriel has been scoring Ds or Es but now for the 1^st time, I see him achieving Cs!” she shared. Although I was not there to speak to the mother, I felt a tear at the corner of my eyes. Indeed, if it were not for the committed teachers and God working in his life, I think Gabriel would not be far from being a school drop out altogether.

Another boy, Isaac, has been school hopping before he joined us – he has gone to 4 different private schools in the last 3 years. His grades were dropping and his attitude follows alongside. No sooner did he enrol, he made a name for himself. Later, we found out that he was famous in his previous schools too, but for the wrong reason. Today, I had the privilege to meet up with one of his teachers, Mr T. Although Mr T is still very new to our school, he immediately recognized that Isaac stands out from his class. “If there is any glitches with my lesson, for even 5 mins, I could see Isaac getting out of his chair and starting to do his own stuff.” He shared. “Today, when I start my lesson, I told Isaac that from now onwards, I would prepare my lesson with him on my mind!” I was so impressed by Mr T’s attitude, who despite having a troublemaker in his class, is unfazed but is all the more determined to help Isaac. The commitment of teachers like him has not only impacted the lives of the students in the school, but also on me: God’s Promises are all True and Life Transforming.

This morning, one of the girls told my niece that she is leaving our school for good. Rumours had it that Naomi was bullied by her peers here and although I don’t know the girl well, I felt sadden by the news. However, further enquiry into the matter had proved otherwise. At the beginning of the year, Naomi had trouble getting along with the girls at the boarding house. One of the girls, Madeline, had been teasing her and that had really affected her. Towards the end of last term, she cried and broke down. It was also at that time, that our Character Education teacher, Mr AV spoke about bullying and made them think hard by writing about it. Madeline confessed in her essay that she didn’t realize that she had hurt her friend and made the 1^st step of reconciliation by apologizing to Naomi; Naomi in turned wrote about not harbouring a vengeful heart towards those who had hurt her. The real evidence of transformation came when during a basketball practice last week, a stray ball hit Naomi on her face. Almost immediately, Madeline went over to ask if she were alright. By prying into this suspected withdrawal case, I found treasure hidden instead. In actual fact, Naomi’s parents were very happy to see the change in their girl. Naomi was only joking with her friends that she will be absent from school for a day as she has a dental appointment the next day. 

At the end of this day, I felt immensely moved that God has brought so many wonderful teachers, helpers, boarding parents, support staff, parents and students to enrich each others' lives: He has woven us together like a intricate tapestry that by being one, we are beautiful and impactful.

(Note: names of individuals had been changed to protect their identities)

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Rom8:28)

Graveyard Speech

As our school 2^nd term draws to a close, my brother delivered a moving speech to the school team that is sharing worthy.

Some time ago when the conviction to start a school here in Kampar was rooted, the pioneer team went to visit an established international school in KL. The founder of this school was not only kind enough to open its doors to us, he granted us an audience and insight into his views. “Starting an international school in Kampar will be a graveyard! In fact, with the University of Tunku Abdul Rahman setting up its main campus there? That was also a graveyard (bad) decision! There is no future there.” He concluded.

Although we were taken aback by his honest views, we were undeterred as the conviction to build a school was not from us, but from God. Interestingly, I have totally forgotten about these impactful words until now.

“Actually, he was right. Kampar IS a graveyard for our kids!” continued my brother in his speech. “This IS the place where their bad habits die, and whatever that are hindering the children from moving forward, should also perish here!” as he concurred with the educationalist from KL but from a different viewpoint.  “ Our school will be come a GREAT yard where children prosper in learning! They will become excellent learners. Over time, the poor students will become average students, the average students will become good students, the good students will become better students and the better students will become excellent students.”

That was a great metaphor, which reminded me of what Christ had done on the cross for us. The cross despite signaling death, was a God-given victory for all of us. All of us had to die to self first before we could be born again with a new life in Christ. Thank you Lord for inspiring us in this journey with your graveyard message!

Two comes with Trials

When Priscilla turned 2, she has changed from a sweet and adorable little angel, to a demanding, physically abusive challenge! Almost everyday, her carer has to tolerate her hitting, biting, pinching and finally, her ear piercing cries that have garnered enough decibels to reach our neighbours who are more than 3 houses away.

Once in a while, I will be rewarded with reminiscences of her past through her dramatic giggles at jokes that she did not fathom, silly dances in front of the TV, serious guitar playing look-alike whenever she hears a good song and sensitivity towards others. Recently, my mum returned from the hospital with a knee replacement. For almost 2 weeks, Prissy would go up to her grandmother and offered comforting words like “ Pain ah? Po Po, pain ah?” while pointing at her knees. Even such kind gestures are overshadowed by her bossiness and mean behaviour after a while.

One day, while my mum was complaining to me how naughty Prissy had become, the house bell rang and a visitor was at the door for her. Almost immediately, Prissy went round the house, looking for her walking stick and promptly delivered the much needed aid. “Ah, see I told you, Prissy is such a good girl at times!” marveled my mum, clearly charmed by the youngest in the family again.

I guessed the ultimate kick off came was when I was doing bible study with my kids on James 1: 1-5, I asked Joseph to list down what would be his greatest trials. Initially, he had problems understanding the word “trial”. “ Its something that is challenging, and requires great patience.” I explained in simple terms. “Taking care of Prissy!” he said instantly! Poor boy, I can’t blame him. Whenever he lays out his toys to play, Prissy will either mess up his game or took some parts and declared “ ITS MINE!” If he were to forcefully grab the toy back, he will be rewarded with her shrieking cries. While trying my best to look understanding and holding back my smiles, I asked “James 1:2 says if you meet trials, how are you to response?”. “ Consider it all joy!” came his disjointed reply.

At that instance, I realised that God is reminding me that I too should consider Prissy’s growth phase as a joy! Afterall, its good to see her developing and growing! It's indeed a greater joy for me to witness that God is using Prissy to shape both Joseph and Clarissa: They have learnt to be more tolerant and creative when taking care of their little sister. Good job kids!  

Burning Coals

For a long time, I didn't understand this verse in the bible:-

Instead, "If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads." Romans 12:20

Then again, it doesn't really matter as this is not the only verse that I don’t understand in the bible, although the phrase “heap burning coals” does sound uninviting and almost tragic.

There is always sibling rivalry between Clarissa and Joseph, which I normally leave them to resolve by themselves: I hate being Judge Dredd, its both time consuming and emotionally draining.  Unfortunately, by letting the kids decide on the outcome of their feud could lead to undesired results.

On one occasion, Clarissa was upset with Joseph (nothing’s new!) for disturbing her.  Instead of putting out the fire, she took vengeance. The result? It was a crossfire that necessitates the intervention of Judge Dredd!

All I could tell was: I was mad at Joseph for initiating the fight and even more furious at Clarissa for adding fuel to the fire. At the back of my mind, I was doing a playback. Had Clarissa acted maturely, and walked away, I would have showered her with much love and praises. Not only would she have saved me time and heartbreak, she would have exhibited a good example for Joe to emulate. “And, I would have been really proud of you!” I told her with a disapprovingly look. “Now, you have made me even madder at you than I would at Joe alone!” Clearly, her eyes were telling me that none of this was her fault if Joe hadn’t started it all.

At that very moment, it clicked! Yes, when we allow God to take control over an unfair situation, God would be only “mad” at the culprit, equivalent to heaping burning coals over his/her head. However, if we were to take matters into our own hands, our Father would end up disciplining both “us” and the culprit. What perfect sense! Thank you Lord for using my kids to teach me. Now, please grant me patience, patience and patience to deal with them.

Children Devotions

I could think of 101 reasons why I can’t do daily devotions with my kids: such as Prissy is disruptive and it will be too late to wait till she is asleep; Joe can’t read well which means that I will be doing most of the reading and he ends up being distracted and bored; Clarissa can do her own devotions as she is old enough! I’m cleared of my responsibilities, no?

Then, my brother moves back to Kampar with his brood. As his house is still under renovation, his family of 6 stay with us and much to my amazement, both him and my sister-in-law read the bible daily with their 4 kids. Still, I am only slightly inspired!

The crunch came when I received news that England, who once experienced the greatest revivals and commissioned the most number of missionaries in the past 2 centuries, has the lowest church goers statistics compared to other Europeans counterparts and it is now at the brink of bankruptcy! As a Christian, I do believe there is direct correlation between the two.

“What had happened?” I wondered. “Did not the previous generations pass on what they had experienced to the next generations?” I asked myself. “No, the parents had failed to share Christ with their children. In fact, they were like you, having all the excuses of not telling their children of who their Heavenly Father is!” came the God’s gentle small voice.

That was the turning point in my parenthood. Since then, I started reading the bible with my kids and I must say that now, there are 101 reasons I could think of why we should do our bible devotion with our kids! :-

1.     The ten-minute bible reading helps me not only to understand God’s words better but to understand Joseph and Clarissa better too!

2.     Joseph gets to share and reflect about what he had experienced during the day. I am so excited to see the thinker side of him immerging;

3.     Although Clarissa understands what she is reading better, I could help her see the application side of the scriptures. Through this process, her faith has increased immensely;

4.     By being vulnerable and applying the scriptures to my own life, I find that both of them open up to me like never before. I am sure glad that they are willing to share whatever that is bothering them.

5.     Most of all, we could all see God at work in our lives, through our struggles and our successes. He is indeed real in us and that is the greatest reward that I could ever ask for.

Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Deut 6:7

Turning 41

The day that I turned 41, there was a rainbow summoned to make my day colourful and the sun was shining so brightly that I thought, God was smiling down at me. The traffic was cleared, as though everyone knew that it was my special day and they had used other roads to get to their destinations. Everyone I met was smiling at me, giving me their approving nods. Clearly, this must be a dream!

However, only half of this dream is true and in real life, it gets better! God is smiling down at me, not just on the day that I turned 41 but on everyday of my life! It was my usual morning, and I did suspect that someone is going to throw in a surprise for me, which will not be a surprise, because I’m mentally prepared: I will definitely not tear like last year. “I will be composed!” I promised myself.  But of course, in the element of surprise, there is always something I’ve missed out.

Finally, when I stepped into the office, someone was hastily carrying a tray of plates into the boardroom! There was party atmosphere in the air. This year was a different as my brother, his wife and my dad turned out unexpectedly and gave a short summary of what they thought of me. And, lo and behold, my tears came. I could barely contain myself when it was my dad’s turn to speak. He started with talking about his bad habits, and then, he talked about me. Although he has not always been there for me (and my brother), he is proud to see that we are walking along the right path. “If I were to pass on, I am happy to know that you will be doing fine. I loved the two of you!” He said hugging both my brother and I.

That was the melting point in my life! This was the first time, I hear my dad approving of me! It's a miracle to hear him say this words, which I never thought would take place. Don’t get me wrong here its just that I know that my dad is not an expressive person. At that very moment, I could safely say that both my brother and I hear this for the first time in our lives! It carries a weightage of healing, freedom and inexplicable emotions.

More importantly, I am more convicted than before that God’s hands are on our lives. Its almost as though He is the one who is doing all the work backstage, preparing for this day to come: from start to finish! So I would say, that my day was better than my dream: It was perfect! Thank you Jesus!