Denying Myself Relearned

Now that both Clarissa and Joseph are capable of feeding and changing themselves, I have more time to indulge in doing stuff that I enjoy such as exercising, reading and even taking a nap. I have forgotten how life was like without kids until now. It was so easy for me to slip back to my “old life”. In fact, it came to a point that I would demand for my own space or my allotted time of peace and quietness. Should Clarissa or Joseph require any assistance (such as doing homework or fixing many of Joe’s transformers), they need to come back later; unlike previously, I would drop whatever I was doing to attend to their needs.

This is how much I treasure “my space”, as I would like to call it. As time passes, I find myself more demanding and less patient with them. Unknowingly, I have allowed “self” to rise above my children until one weekend, I helped served a difficult customer whose grown-up child was looking for an accommodation in Kampar and came to us for information.

“I totally disagree with the tenancy agreement drafted by your Company, are you sure its legal?” came the unusually loud voice. Seeing that the situation was getting out of hand, I went over, took a deep breath and said “ Yes, our agreement was drafted by a lawyer and had been in placed for the past 2 years” I replied meekly and firmly. “You guys are worst than Ah-Long, imposing such high charges for overdue rental..” the machine gun just couldn’t stop. “I am sorry that you find that this is so. However, our policy is in placed to discourage students from paying late; and at the same time, we are answerable to the landlord of the property” began my attempt at explaining. Just to make the customer feel better, I offered apologies and even suggested that he looked for alternative accommodation for comparison as politely as I could.

What transpired during the conversation wasn’t important; what I had experienced during that short span of time was more important. By his demands and unwillingness to accept reasoning, I was reminded of my self-centredness. Whatever happened to denying myself and carrying the cross each day? If I couldn’t deny myself for the sake of my children, how could I deny myself for the cross, for God? By denying myself, I have to put aside my self interests, pride, and anything that hinders me from drawing close to God.

Then he (Jesus) said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.” (Luke 9:23-24)