Pleasant Surprises

One of the activities that I enjoyed doing with Clarissa is fishing. Its through this that I discovered that she possesses both the patience and focus required while waiting for the fish to take the bait.

Yesterday, we embarked on an unexpected trip to the fishing pond as her cousins from Kuala Lumpur dropped by to visit. While the rest of the children were complaining of their ill luck and started to become restless, she stayed focus and explained to me her tactic: Plan A is to throw the bait as far away as possible; and  should this fail proceed on to Plan B, which is to drop the bait gently near the shore. I felt like I was being educated, as yours truly had no idea how fishing works apart from the waiting duration!

At one point, I watched and couldn’t help myself from giggling when her bait (ie bread) fell from her hook. “Mum, if the bread that had dropped off from my hook disappeared from the surface of the water, you know that the fish is nearby and it would eat from your hook next!” she explained in a serious manner. “Don’t you think you might want to consider using an alternative bait as afterall, cat fish is known to stay at the bottom of the pond but bread floats.” I said trying to outsmart my girl. “You know when fish food is cast to the cat fish? The fish food floats too and the cat fish would swim to the surface to feed?!” That crashed my theory!

As Clarissa ran off with Joseph to inspect the other side of the pond, I was left to keep a watch on the lose bait. Before I knew it, I heard the sound of bubble and the small piece of bread went under the water! Suddenly, my fishing rod started to jerk uncontrollably. With one hand carrying Priscilla (I know I shouldn’t be carrying her but I also didn’t expect to be able to catch a fish that quickly!), I held the rod excitingly while calling out for Clarissa’s help!

Indeed, we should never underestimate the capabilities of our children. Sometimes, instead of getting them to do workbooks (which I am rather fond of), let them explore nature and play with animals! There are always surprises waiting to be uncovered!

To What Extent

To what extent are we willing to go for our children? A friend of mine, a mother of 6 kids, wife of a pastor, not only home school her children but is taking up violin lessons so that she could teach her offspring to play. This is on top of her teaching them to play piano as well! I am dumbfounded when I heard this. In fact, I could feel strips of fatigue striking just by imagining the amount of work required, not to mention the amount of patience and perseverance required! To accentuate this even more, my friend G does not enjoy the luxury of having a domestic helper!

Closer to home, I have recently started playing badminton with Clarissa and Joseph. This was necessary, as I would like them to inculcate healthy habits. Currently, both of them are spending far too much time watching TV and eating too much junk. The only challenge is: I don’t play badminton very well. Therefore, in a hall filled with players, I could safely conclude that our family spends the most time picking up shuttlecocks than actually hitting them!

Although we play only 2 hours a week, its enough to send me to bed by 8.30pm with aching shoulders. One night, I thought to myself “Isn’t it amazing that we are willing to go the extra mile for the sake of our children?! If it were up to me, I would not have chosen to play badminton at all but now, I play the game as though it’s the best game in the world (well, at least in Malaysia)!”

Before I could continue patting myself on my shoulder, I was reminded that there is someone else who deserved greater praise. Two thousand years ago, someone had given up his royal throne to come and dwell among us, teaching us the right from the wrong. Instead of being shown gratefulness, he was persecuted and eventually died on the cross for our sins. He came so that we could have an eternal relationship with Him. I think there is no one else who could beat Jesus when it comes to sacrificial giving. Through parenting, I have certainly tasted how great is His love for us.

And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. (Eph 3:18)

Footprints of a Giant

It has been difficult for me to blog, not because I don’t want to but purely because I am dry. When Liz passed away, I was reminded of the countless number of times that she had inspired me, one of which was blogging! I could still remember that when she was first diagnosed with 4^th stage lung cancer more than 2 years ago, Clarissa was also diagnosed with H1N1.  We upheld each other in prayer with her encouraging me over the phone: “Fee, you should start blogging and share about God’s goodness like I am doing now!” So, there I began! She was more excited than I was with my blog!

Such were the ways that she had touched me. Through the months, she had become my prayer warrior. Whenever my kids were plagued with illnesses, she was there to encourage me through her smses and prayers. There was much to learn much from this faith giant: I didn’t know much about persistency in praying until I started keeping tabs of her blog. She has indeed taught me to never give up in praying, even when circumstances show otherwise.

Now that she is in a better place, I am stuck in a bitter-sweet situation. Although I would love her to be with us, I know that God has a better plan for her and for me. Afterall, this is only a temporary separation. I would need to run my race here, so that I could fulfill what God has in stored for me; Liz has finished her race faithfully, touching many lives. Great is her reward in heaven. 

Learning From Our Mistakes

I think mothers should be saluted! Afterall, they get persecuted, misunderstood, blamed for being ruthless when in fact, they were trying to do everything out of love, albeit against the wishes of their children.

As Clarissa grows, I realize that we have more issues to argue about. Over the past year, it was over her computer playing time. Admittedly, I was soft hearted and wanted to give her what she wanted (this is love, no?). But alas, her grades at school starting falling. As a result, I had to drastically limit her games’ playing time. In exchange, I became her “most hated” person for the day(s)! How could I be loved at one moment for being permissible and became hated the next, over the very same issue? Didn’t she know that spending more time in games than in her schoolwork would cause the latter to suffer? Apparently not.

As a mother, I struggled over loving my child the way she would like to and she should be. It would have been easier for me to say no right at the beginning when the request was presented. However, as a typical mother, I take risks and hope for the best. Sometimes, it worked out but on times that it didn’t, I wished that I had done things differently.

I guess this must be how it is with God. Knowing that something could hurt us more than benefit us, He allows us the sacred gift of choice. When we make the wrong choices, we blame Him who made us but forgot that it was us, who stubbornly pursue our desires.  It wasn’t until I became a parent that I realize how much our wrong actions must have hurt Him. Still, He pursued us and loved us. Our Heavenly Father deserves our salutation. Indeed, He who never fails had to put up with our consistent failure. It would have been easier for Him to take away our free will but He didn’t.

My greatest joy is when Clarissa chooses to obey me, despite knowing that she could have done otherwise. To help her catch up with her school work, both her tuition teacher & I have to spend hours coaching her, motivating her to do extra reading and exercises. Initially, she was reluctant but when she sees that her hard work pays off, she began to put in the hours willingly. Her recent exams results were an indication that she had improved. Although she was both pleasantly surprised and happy by her new grades, I was the one who was kept awake at night, smiling at the thought that she had learnt from her mistake! I have always wondered if God too would be smiling down at me when I have learnt from my mistake but after last night, I have no doubt that He does too.

The Pneumonia Blessing

For the first two years after we had moved back to Kampar, our kids were plagued with serious illnesses. Joseph at 3 years old was diagnosed with viral pneumonia despite having just had vaccinations against bacteria pneumonia just six months before. (Apparently, I was later informed that the probability of him getting this was a mere 33%).

Barely a year later, Clarissa was down with suspected H1N1. On both occasions, I was immensely blessed with a very experienced and sympathetic pediatrician. However, at the point when they were being treated, I felt that she could have been more confident, at least towards me as I could tell that she had reservations that made me feel insecure and nervous. For one thing, I was under the impression that Dr J would always assume the worse!

Just two weeks before Priscilla was born, I had a false alarm and was rushed to the emergency unit for immediate admission. Much to my surprise, I saw Dr J at the registration counter. Co-incidentally, she had transferred her clinic to the same hospital to where I was due to deliver. At that very moment, I felt a strong sense that God was speaking to me: “I know that you have been wanting to switch to a new pediatrician for Priscilla. But let me remind you that Dr J had treated Joseph and Clarissa in their most critical moment. Her track record is more important than how you feel towards her.”

As much as I had wanted to do otherwise, I felt that I should obey this inner voice, which had never fail me. Therefore, when Priscilla was born, Dr J was extremely pleased to see me in her new work place and gladly gave me her hand phone number for any emergency.

Now, on retrospect, I know why God has spoken. Just one week ago, Clarissa was down with high fever. Sensing that she might be down with something serious, I brought her to see Dr J. In fact, I was in tears when Dr J told me that Clarissa had pneumonia as my heart was laden with guilt, self-reproach, worry and fear. After staying up for 3 nights in a row to monitor Clarissa, I was at the verge of a breakdown. I thought I had made a difference to her condition but in reality, I didn’t. Instead of relying on God and seeking Him, I was busy doing what I thought was best.

In the days that followed, I had never been more grateful to a doctor than I had with Dr J. Fearing that the germs had spread to other members of the family, which it had, Priscilla was instantly put on strong medication. Dr J took the extra step of discussing with our family doctor in Kampar so that the right medication could be given to my elderly parents. I wasn’t spared either but the bad news given to me was: I had to stop breastfeeding for 5 days completely! For a split second, I thought my world had collapsed on me (again)! “My milk supply will surely stop and poor Priscilla would have a hard time adapting!” I pleaded to our local doctor. “There is no choice but to stop” he insisted.

Although breastfeeding may not mean much to a man or even to a mother, to me it meant taking away what was best for Priscilla. I begged for an alternative medication but there was none. On the way back from the local clinic, my mum, upon sensing my despair suggested “Why don’t you call Dr J now? Ask her for her opinion?” It was almost 6.30pm. Dr J would have left her clinic and I would be infringing on her private time by calling her hand phone. Much to my surprise, she answered my call. I could tell that she was with her kids. Quickly, I told her my dilemma and my lack of alternative. “Tell me what medication are you given?” she asked, without a hint of annoyance. As soon as I told her the name of my medicine, she gave me the most reassuring answer that I had ever hoped for! “Its safe for Priscilla. Don’t worry, you could continue to breastfeed!” Hope that had gone was instantly restored!     

Now, I am sitting in my room, marveling at the swift recovery that Clarissa is experiencing in the hospital; enjoying the thought that I could continue to breastfeed Priscilla; thanking God that He had seen what was to come. He was working behind the scene, bringing Dr J to the hospital to where i was due to deliver, renewing our doctor-patient relationship and even granting me extra favour by her giving me her hand phone number with no hesitation whatsoever. I couldn't imagine any other doctor who would do the same. He is our Great God indeed, seeing what was to come and preparing me for it. He cared my children more than I could ever fathom. I can’t imagine a life without Him.

Who is in need of change?

I have never blogged about Ray until a recent event prompted me to do so. As a reader, you will be pleased to know too that I have sought his permission to share here, which was generously given.

In the past year, Ray picked up a new hobby, well at least to me it was new. He was into remote control cars, not those from Toys’ R Us but those there were specially made for hobbyists (never knew that such a term existed until now)! In fact, he began to develop such an appetite for RC cars, that not only did he procure many units, he also started to assemble his own by buying “complete knocked down” units from shops and played them in front of our house whenever he had any spare time.

Soon, the burnt in our pockets began to matter. As a typical accountant, I thought splashing out money on hobbies was illogical and profligate. Afterall, being a normal household, we have bills to pay, bank loan to service and occasionally, bank overdraft to settle.

Gradually, I had allowed this new hobby to creep into my relationship with my husband and eventually, blinded me from distinguishing what was important from the less. Its almost as though someone had moved a statue into my vision, that prevented me from seeing what was beyond, and this statue was situated right in between our marriage. This statue has a name called bitterness.

For a long time, we couldn’t come to a compromise and tension began to build: Ray couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t let him live his childhood dream and I couldn’t fathom why he needed to fulfill his dream. I have even started to pray that he would not be carried away by his passion, not realizing of course I was the one who was carried away.

Finally, one night, he came up to me and suggested that we should set aside a budget for him to spend on himself for special occasions. “Let me think about it.” I replied with a grudge. That night, I went to the Lord in prayer. “Lord, I think it should be adequate to give Ray a small budget since he has already splashed out so much. Plus, there are many more needy areas such as uncountable number of charities that we could consider giving money to.” I tried to justify my action. However, I felt somehow that God was telling me to be generous to Ray.

After a weekend of struggle with God, I decided to obey His prompting and gave Ray a generous budget, which caught him (& me) completely by surprise. Immediately out of the blue, I felt my heart lightened. As though scales had fallen out my eyes, I began to see how much good this hobby has done for him and our family.

Joseph was amazed that daddy could build and paint such beautiful models, that he would sit on Ray’s lap to examine how cars are put together. I have never seen such a tender bonding between them until now. In addition, I noticed that Ray had been busy fetching the kids to and fro school and tutorial sessions during my confinement period without a word of complain. The best part was, he even offered to continue the ferrying process after I returned to work! “I quite enjoyed fetching the kids to school as it was something that I had never experienced with my own father when I was young.” He said. I had never seen this fatherly side of him before. Then it dawned on me that bitterness has prevented me from seeing what are the more important issues in our marriage.

Perhaps Ray has always been who he is but I have not been who I should be. I felt greatly humbled by such revelation as I discovered that God was telling me that it is me who needs to be changed. This would not have been possible if not for our Heavenly Father who had granted me the willingness to obey Him and wisdom to be generous.

“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.  Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.” James 3: 17-18

Even Little Babies Can Be Teachers!

Welcoming Priscilla into our world turns out to be more exciting than I first perceived it to be! Afterall, I have had two previous experiences and babies are babies, they feed, sleep, poop and cry. The latter is a bit harder to adapt since I have had almost 6 years of peace!

To begin with, everyday is a day of struggle. For example, I dread to spend hours feeding Priscilla, that could sometimes take up to 6 hours at one go! Therefore, when she was able to feed with a gap of 2 hours, I was jumping with joy and my mind began to fill with all kinds of stuff that I could do during the short duration! But alas, I realised that when she wasn’t sucking, she was crying and begging to go to sleep but couldn’t! So, instead of happily replying emails or catching a nap or even taking a shower, I was busy trying different means to put her to bed. 

By the time that Priscilla had finally dozed off to sleep, I discovered much to my dismay that I only had half an hour before her next feeding! Sometimes this precious half hour was shortened when Joe stepped into my bedroom, proclaiming his return from school, which subsequently jolted Priscilla out of her nap - the cycle repeated itself again.

It would be easy for me to vent my frustration on Priscilla, but miraculously, I didn’t! “Why are you so patient with Priscilla? You weren’t so with Clarissa and Joseph!” observed Ray one day. “Well, I am just happy that Priscilla is healthy and normal! Plus, she will be my last baby and therefore, I cherish her even more!” I replied with a smile on my face.

At that moment, something clicked at the back of my mind. As I was struggling with Clarissa and Joseph’s school exams revisions, I had secretly wished that they could be smarter, more teachable, more disciplined, more obedient, and etc. However, I forgot that when they were babies, I was ecstatic over their daily little small achievements such as being healthy, pooping, feeding and growing well! I could almost hear God telling me “Fee, whatever happened to being thankful for having healthy and happy children?” Indeed, as time progresses, I as a mother has started to compile a list of expectations from my children, that has blinded me from seeing God’s greatest blessings on them!

Thank you Heavenly Father for using Priscilla to remind me to be grateful for seemingly small but clearly enormous blessings!

Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father.

(James 1: 17)

Misunderstood to understand

During my maternity leave, I had more time to observe what took place at home. In particular, I noticed that Clarissa was quite often rude to Mary, my Pilipino domestic helper.  Demands spoken in an irritated manner like: “Mary, I want to bath now!” and “Hurry up and come now!” were disturbing me immensely as they reminded me of myself when I was at her age. Despite my repeated requests and explanations that she should speak to others in a polite tone, Clarissa seemed to fail miserably.

Therefore, one day, instead of my usual requests and even threats (!), I decided to adopt a different approach. “Clarissa, why are you rude to Mary? Did she do something that offended you previously?” I triggered my “why” strategy. “Mum, whenever I asked Mary to bath me, she would take at least 10 minutes to respond whereas you would only take 2 minutes. During dinner time its worse, she would take 20 mins just to serve dinner!” I was taken aback by her answer as I realised that she had inherited my gene of “being demanding of others including herself!”

“Clare, you know that Mary is not very smart and she takes more time compared to say, you, to do a task. Therefore, if you are irritated by her, why don’t you try to do the task yourself, for example showering yourself?” I explained carefully. “Its important that you recognize her weakness, so that you won’t be upset by her constantly.” I continued. Much to my pleasant surprise, the next time, she made an effort to be polite to Mary.

In this instance, her poor attitude originated from her expectation of how long a certain task should take. Therefore, if someone failed to meet her expectation, she became disappointed and irritated. As I analysed her underlying character, memories of my childhood came into my view.

Like her, I too was rude to my baby sitter. Understandably, such action was judged severely by my mum. However, it was uncommon during my time for a parent to ask the child, the big “why” question. Hence, misunderstandings such as this occurred quite frequently, leading to much dissatisfaction and tension between my mother and me.  Through this recent episode with Clarissa, God had revealed to me that poor communication had a great part to play in my childhood. Strange as this might sound but I felt healed and set free from an invisible knot that was tugging my heart all these years. Moreover, I felt more understanding towards my own mother compared to before.

Thank you Jesus for helping me see what was the underlying cause of Clarissa’s behaviour and through this process, I experienced healing and restoration of my relationship with my own mother.   

When we involve God in parenting, it becomes an exciting journey of self-discovery, making right what was wrong and through it, one could experience healing and restoration! Praise the Lord for He is indeed the greatest healer in relationships.

"Praise the Lord, oh my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name. Praise the Lord, oh my soul, and forget not all His benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's" Psalm 103: 1-5

Pray for Patience to be Patient

After becoming a mother of three, I realized that I would never be able to spend quality time with my older twos (at least for now) unless I multi-task! I was put to the test during my confinement period, which unfortunately also coincides with income tax return due date, Clarissa and Joseph’e mid-year exams, and Ray’s laundry business accounts’ submission.

It was as if God had sent Chia Yiu, my sister-in-law to pre-empt me for this abnormally demanding period, as I could still recall her sharing with me “Fee, when God put you to the test, instead of the usual moaning and sighing, ask God for strength and you will be surprised at your ability to handle your trials. If you are tired, just a nap! Soon, you will realize that you have managed more than what you think you could!” And how true that was!

Initially, I was relying on my own strength to breastfeed Priscilla (which seem to take forever), chair staff meeting from my house, rush out the income tax returns, wrap up Ray’s accounts and revise with the children for their exams.

By the third week, I found myself getting impatient with my older twos as they were constantly forgetting what they had learnt the day before. To top it off, Priscilla had been unusually difficult by refusing to sleep and being fussy for more than 6 hours in a stretch.

One night when I felt that my world was collapsing on me, I found myself crying to Ray that I couldn’t handle the work and motherhood all at one go! In reality, I was looking for sympathy and wishing that he could take over. At that very moment, I was reminded of what Chia Yiu had said “Take a nap when you need to!” Such simple words but that was the solution that I needed. It was then that I remembered to turn to God, pouring out my complaints, struggles, guilt and pains. “I wished that I could be more patient with Clarissa and Joseph! I shouldn’t have over-reacted by shouting at them.” I confessed through my tears. “I couldn’t stop myself from being a demanding mother.”

God took all my tears and pain; and replaced them with peace and rest. The very next day during my quiet time, He reminded me with these words:-

“My soul waits for the Lord, more than watchmen wait for the morning.”

Psalm 130:6

“I pray for the patience to endure times of trial, to keep anticipating, keep hoping, keep believing. I pray for patience to be patient” by Philip Yancey

It then dawned on me that I needed patience to adapt to motherhood, patience to learn to be less demanding of others and of myself, patience to learn to be patient. May God grant me patience to learn all of these. If you are wearied and burdened, take a nap and seek God, you will be surprised at the treasures that He has in stored for you!

Meantime, I owe Clarissa and Joseph an apology.

A Miracle Baby

Nine months of mental preparation is still inadequate for me to welcome No 3 baby into the family. Well, its wasn’t that I am not looking forward to have another baby, but the pain and fear of death (!) experienced during my C-section and thereafter are constantly haunting me.

However, I know that God is with me and He will grant me strength and courage to pull through the dreaded 1^st few weeks after birth.  The idea of being an invalid for the 1^st couple of days after the operation reminded me of how vulnerable we truly are.

At this point where I am counting down to my BIG DAY (only 4 more days to go), I should remind myself of God’s grace and provision in the past 9 months. For a start, both Ray & I were pleasantly surprised when I was pregnant with no. 3 as we had doubts if I could still conceive at my age! That was when we decided to call this our miracle baby!

Not long after our discovery, I went for a site visit and without giving it a second thought, I lifted a wooden structure that had appeared deceivingly light. Almost immediately, I could hear my boss telling me that the item should be left alone due to its weight. In the split of a second, I could experience some abdominal pain but I told myself, that I was carrying a miracle baby and that God would protect her: The pain left almost immediately.

Well into my 2^nd trimester, I received a complaint from a pedestrian in my office that she had stepped on the rusty metal drain cover located right in front of my office, resulting in a major fall through into the drain that required 18 stitches on her legs! She was here demanding for a compensation. I took a look at the metal drain cover and sure enough, it had rusted to the core and was fragile. It could have been me that stepped on the metal drain cover since it was just in front of my office! Without my knowledge, God had sent His angels to protect my footsteps! Praise Him for His faithfulness!

As I was entering into my 3^rd trimester, my doctor informed me that Priscilla (the name given to our miracle baby) wasn’t growing and was on the small side. This was despite me eating more and piling on weight too! Finally, instead of feeling down and worried, I asked the doctor if her machine has marginal error.  “Yes, very likely! In fact, I have just delivered a 3.8kg baby when the scan estimated that the baby was only 3.2kg!” she replied with a smile. Since then, I began to cling more onto God’s words than the high tech scanning machine.

I thank our Heavenly Father for His protection on me and Priscilla for the past nine months. I am sure that there were more unnoticed incidents that He had diverted to protect me! One thing I know for sure, since its His idea to bless me with Priscilla, He would see to it that I would have a safe delivery and for that, I am deeply grateful and touched. He is indeed a GOOD GOD!

“being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;” Philippians 1:6

Keeping the Right Focus

Out of the many precious lessons I have learnt as a parent, I must say that keeping an eye on my kids’ future is one that keeps coming back to me. Over time, I discovered that parenting is more than just meeting the physical and emotional needs of our children now, it also entails planning and praying for their future. Therefore, whenever Clarissa or Joseph faces minor setback eg failing in school exams or poor performance, I would subconsciously put on my binoculars for the future and try to see what I hope to achieve or rather, they could achieve and work backwards from there. It could be rather daunting at first but it sure puts things into perspective for me.

Recently, Clarissa did poorly in her exams, in particular her Chinese. Although this is nothing new as kids too could have their ups and downs in their school work, I would still spend a significant of my time evaluating what went wrong and how I could have help her better. This exercise quite often drew me to the conclusion that the wrong emphasis is being practiced in our present education system. At P3, her level of Chinese and Malay are frankly, way beyond what should be reasonably expected from a nine year old; in contrast, the level of English taught, as quoted by Clarissa, is “only marginally more difficult than her kindergarten!”

As a result, like most parents, I would like her to excel in her Chinese and Malay but unlike most parents, I wouldn’t want to place undue pressure on her by either sending her to more tuitions or giving her more workbooks as I am convicted that ultimately, English is more important. There are thus two value systems at work here: I expect both my kids to master the English language at a level that is higher than what was taught in school; at school, the teachers expect them to have strong command of Chinese and Malay.

The above exercise reminds me of what Paul wrote in the scriptures:-

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corin 4:18

As much as I tried to practice looking into the binoculars for my children’s future, I should also try to fix my eyes on things that carry eternal values.