Conflicts

It is tough to live with negative feelings, at least for me. The recent episode of conflict between Clarissa and me has made me examined my relationship with God and thanked Him for His forgiveness, especially for each of my repetitive failings. In addition, I could see the good that this has brought upon Clarissa. A few months ago, she was so upset by Joseph (ie the usual annoyance that a little boy could bestow on his big sister) that she had started to keep a journal of the wrongdoings that he had done!

"For all the misery he had caused me, I will no longer buy anything for him from my school, not even a sticker or an eraser!" she exclaimed infuriatingly. "What if he pleads for forgiveness?" I asked, feeling sorry for my mischievous boy. "He doesn't mean it (the apologies) as he will start annoying me all over again!" she answered adamantly. I tried to show her some bible verses about forgiveness but to no avail.

Finally, God gave me an excellent opportunity to teach her about forgiveness. One day at the start of our tutoring session, she had agreed to be well behaved but within 10 minutes, she was slamming her pencil, giving me her usual "bad attitude" treatment. "You see, you have promised to be good but failed. And if I were to keep a record of all your misbehaviour like the way you did for Joseph, I could also deprive you of many things. Therefore, it is important that you forgive your brother, just as I am going to forgive you." I said seizing the opportunity. Immediately, she was quiet. In fact, from that day on, she had stopped keeping track of what Joseph had done to her although her complains remained.

More importantly, as a parent, I recognize the need to draw on God's infinite resources of love and forgiveness so that I could carry on loving her, in the presence of conflicts.

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13)

 

One Small Step

I came from a family in which my parents, apart from sending me to the right school, had no idea how I was performing, academically. They hardly asked me about my exam grades and if I had problems with any of my subjects, I was expected to sort it out on my own. Right from the start, my mum explained to me the importance of education and that was that!

Now, it is my turn to oversee Clarissa's education and I find that I am feeling it more than her. If she were to fair badly, which she had for her mid-year exams, I felt a certain failure probably more than she had ever felt; There was some inexplicable sadness hovering over me as I realized that whatever time and effort that I had put in for the past 6 months were inadequate! Instead of viewing it as her failure, I felt that I had failed her in many ways. I couldn't pin-point why but I could certainly feel the weight of the responsibility behind.

Suddenly, I began to examine my teaching method, and to a certain extent, my parenting skills! Was I wrong to allow her to indulge in her favourite programme? Did I give her too much room to decide how to utilize her time? My mind was filled with numerous questions including if I had found her the right tuition teacher!?!

First, I had to come to terms with my own "failing" and accept that Clarissa is weak in certain topics. Then, I have to garner enough courage to persevere in my effort. Unlike her classmates who are being tutored 24/7, Clarissa would still need to continue in her extracurricular activities, being BB, art and music classes. Both of us would need to work out some time for her to do some practice worksheets and yet at the same time, she could still have the space to read or go to the park. She is at this stage where her co-operation is to be sought rather than imposed.

A friend reminded me recently that the journey of a thousand steps begins with one small step. Parenting a child, who is struggling academically, does require one small step at a time.

Unwavering Love

I know that as a parent, I can't always expect my child to share the same view as me. However, under certain circumstances, I would secretly pray that God will make Clarissa listen to me and take my view! It was May and mid-term examinations were round the corner. Instead of focusing her effort on revision, Clarissa seemed to have found one hundred and one excuses to prevent her from picking up her text books. First, I tried the soft way, giving explanations along the way and coaxing her to do some test papers-This was met with defiant stare; Gradually, I began to lose my patience and start to raise my voice and insist that she finishes a certain number of chapters a day-she did the necessary work without giving any thought to it, resulting in numerous, pointless mistakes!

How I wish I could throw in the towel and say "That's it! This is your life, you can do whatever you want with it. If you pass your exam, I am happy for your; If you fail, I can't do anything to help you!" At this stage of parenthood, I am torn between allowing the child to "take the lead" for her own school work and spending the time, laboring and tutoring her. But at the end of each of these so called tutoring sessions, I felt a great need to be counseled myself.

Afterall, I was trying my best to teach my child but she looked upon me as though I was torturing her! My every good intention had aroused her bad temperament, resulting in unnecessary conflicts. My explanations and ideas had met with great disapproval from her. But if I were to turn the table around and asked her if she would like to improve her presently low grades, she would give a positive "Yes!"

Well, I guess I am no different at times. I would have loved to be taintless and obedient to God but due to my limited understanding, I would at times disobey Him and questioned His perfect intentions for me. This is the real crunch: As much as Clarissa mis-interprets my good intentions, I too have misjudged God's will for my life. And the amazing part is: He never gives up on me.

Dear God, thank you for loving me with your everlasting love. Your love is perfect. Help me now to love my own child with Your unwavering love.

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"1 John 3:1

What are the odds?

In our recent management meeting in which we discussed about the complications that would arise during students' check out from our managed properties, one of our key executives highlighted "We have to brace ourselves when the students refused to pay penalty or compensations towards any damaged furniture." "What are the odds?" I asked worriedly. "Well, based on our experience, 4 in 10 students would have had caused some damages, one way or the other. Since we are expecting an exodus of students, close to 750, we will have to deal with the many arguments that are forthcoming" she answered thoughtfully.

I did a quick mental calculation, and realized that a huge storm is anticipated. In the days leading to the check-out, this issue of conflict has been brewing at the back of my head. 30^th April, the day in which their tenancy ends, sees close to 300 students coming to do check-out procedure. Unlike the conventional hotel checkout, once a student hands in his set of keys, we would need to send our maintenance guy round to his house unit, do a quick inventory check and if there is any damages, to estimate the cost involved. On a normal day, this procedure would take about half an hour. Today, well, its hard to tell but it would take a lonnnnng time.

Somehow in the morning, God reminded me to pray about the check-out, including the students and their parents! In the days preceding, we have had some problems but they were nothing too major. Today, the "weather forecast" was not too promising and I had the privilege of assisting at the front office! There were so many people and they have all been waiting for close to 3 hours. We had had a few hiccups, such as running out of numbers in our queuing systems, lost keys and even lost forms! Students kept pouring in, their parents had only one look - impatience. Everyone of us was in robotic mode. When I heard that a partimer had messed up our queuing systems, my first response was "Great! All hell's let loose!" But to my greatest surprise, there was no shouting, heated argument, slamming of tables or even raised voices!

There was only one major complaint and even that was handled smoothly, with no further argument that could arouse onlookers' participation. This is a real miracle! Despite being exhausted after a long day's work, I couldn't help but marveled at how smoothly things went! In fact, I was reminded of what David did when the Israelites were confronted by Goliath. Unlike the rest who were trembling at the thought of being slain by the giant, David was the only one who stayed God-focus! If I were constantly God-focus in every aspect of my life, including work, then when a Goliath appears, he will be squashed by God's mighty hand, just like how God helped David to defeat his Goliath!

Thank you for helping me to see that You are at work in every aspect of my life and reminding me that it is important for me to stay God-focus whenever a problem arises. Only You have the power to change the odds!

"You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied." (1Samuel 17:45)

Am I Dreamming?

Recently, my mum asked me "How do you know, that it is God who is speaking to you?" I was sharing with her about my struggle with our latest project in Kampar – setting up an international school. After numerous visits and a string of conversations with those in the "business", I was told that an international school in Kampar is almost Mission Impossible. First, it would be hard to lure teachers to come work in Kampar, since Klang Valley itself is also facing shortages. Next, most people don't even know where Kampar is, leading to many huge question marks hanging over its feasibility & sustainability. Third, we are not in education business and to find someone to run the school, would be very difficult since the best of the best would choose to stay in the Klang Valley. The list of "no-goes" seems mountainous, even for a pessimist like me who is used to receiving and accepting negative feedback, finds it hard to swallow.

But, I feel convicted that this is what God wants me to do! One night, as I was pouring out my heart to God, I told Him very frankly that I have had many "realistic conversations with some very wise people" and their response had been "Your motive is noble, even idealistic! It would be tough!" Out of nowhere, I felt a still small voice telling me "I have prepared people for you, people who have been praying for this project and who have been waiting for this to happen." I was shocked by this response and was wondering if it were God or was I dreaming?! "But, Lord, this idea was only conceived 2 months ago, how would it possible that people have been praying about this?" I was puzzled by the statement as it didn't make sense to me.

In the days following, I realized that I had made a big mistake: it wasn't my idea to start a school, it was God's idea! A few days after the revelation, my dear friend Mrs Liew called me at 10.00pm one night "Fee, I have found a principal for your school. Mr Liew and I have been praying about this person, and we feel that she is the right one!" This conversation is the first fulfillment of what I received days ago! Last night, I called one of my friends and asked if she would consider coming to Kampar to teach. She was an ex-teacher herself. Her exact reply was " Fee, we have always wanted to come to a small town like Kampar! We have been praying and waiting for God's timing!" I was shocked as I realized that it was God who had prepared her and her husband, without my knowledge whatsoever.

So, when my mum asked how did I know it was God who spoke, I just have to say "Time will tell, if it was God who had spoken. He will not fail us and whatever He says, will come to pass!" The last two months had been one of the most awesome time for me as I began this exciting journey, to see how God will manouver through these seemingly difficult obstacles to bring the school to fruition! It was a timely reminder for both Ray & I, that God is alive and well, and He is in our lives, leading us!

Picking My Fight

Over the past few months, I noticed that I have had numerous fights with Clarissa and all of them revolved around her studies! The list under this category seems to be endless, such as she would watch TV while doing her homework, or she would be day dreaming during my tutoring session with her, or she would get agitated if I corrected her too many times!

This morning when we reached school, I realized that she had forgotten to revise for her Chinese spelling (or "listen and write"), containing 20 characters! I could almost hear myself sighing at her before I consciously decided to let this one go. This is the challenge: I have to pick the right fight. In the midst of my agitation, disappointment and even anger, I have to allow my mind to rule over my heart. Children will always make mistakes; but as parents, I have to choose when I should step in or just walk away. This morning, I walked away.

I guessed it did actually take more strength to walk away than to stay on and insist that she should revise for her spelling. By choosing to walk away, I am allowing her to make mistakes and learn from them. Most of all, I am learning to let go and allow God to work in her more. Meantime, I pray that I would have wisdom to pick the right fight.

A Burden or a Transformation for the child?

Recently, I received a vision from God. It didn't come as a dream, or an image perceived during prayer. It came in the form of a movie known as "The Blind Side". For a long time, I have been struggling with the local education system. Despite being burden with loads of homework, Clarissa is still unable to catch up with her school work and had to go for additional tutorial sessions. The worst part is: I fail to see the upside in the overemphasis in academic performance at the expense of her childhood. Whatever happened to holistic education involving the development of character-building, problem solving skills and creativity in art? Where I came from (a kiasu nation down south), homework is necessary to achieve results and understanding; it is not meant to burden the students, and definitely not the parents!

The movie "The Blind Side" confirmed to me that education should bring transformation to a person, not just on his academic aspects but in all aspects. Such was the conviction that I had when I was younger until Clarissa started her Primary One. Suddenly, a new set of values were introduced: students should be grind, punished, pushed, burdened and rewarded just to achieve academic excellence!

Prior to watching this movie, my boss (who also happened to be my dad) suggested that we should start an international school in Kampar. Being an accountant, most of my business decisions were made based on business cashflows. In this case, I felt that such a school would not fare well here in a small town and therefore, had secretly prayed that his interest would soon fizzle out. Little did I know that God was actually using my dad to speak to me and since I didn't get it, He threw in the movie as well.

I was sobbing towards the end of the movie, happy for the child who was rescued from the ghetto but sad for the many Malaysians who struggled with our education system. Out of the blue, a thought came to me "that is what an international school is for, to bring transformation to My children!" "But Lord, Kampar is such a tiny town. Who would want to take up this challenge to work in Kampar? Who in their right mind would send their children to Kampar?" My business logic started to kick in. For the next few days, I was sleepless as I felt that this is Mission Impossible! However, over time, I felt that God is sovereign and He will bring to pass what He has intended. Now, I am really excited to see how this school will unfold. Do pray alongside with me, that May His Will Be Done!

 

Another Wednesday Revelation

For the past few months, I noticed a trend: every Wednesday, I discovered a new revelation. I might as well call it my Wed Rev! This Wednesday was harder to tackle compared to the previous ones. Clarissa was laden with unreasonable amount of school homework, and to make matter worst, she had to attend her weekly music and art class.

Normally, the administrative staff at her music/art class would assist her with her Chinese homework but this week, Sandy had to help teach as well. Therefore, she was unable to help Clarissa. Little did I know that over the past months, Clarissa had grown reliant on Sandy and got used to having Sandy as her "private tutor". When I arrived to pick Clarissa and Joseph up, I was shocked to find Clarissa sulking. She was immensely upset that Sandy did not help her at all with her homework.

"Nobody loves me! Everyone has abandoned me!" she cried uncontrollably in the car. "Why should I listen to you anymore? Why should I attend music class? Why is there no one to help me when I needed help?" she kept complaining and started to switch the root of her disappointment to me. As I sat through her complaints, I became upset. In fact, I could feel myself burning with anger! When we arrived home, I told her harshly that she should get a grip of herself or she would regret what might come on next.

The entire Wednesday evening could be summarized as "both Clarissa and her mummy had eaten explosives" and everyone, including my mum and Curly tried to keep out of our ways. The next morning, I went to the Lord with my inexplicable anger. As I prayed, memories of my childhood came flashing back. Suddenly, I could taste the raw, hurtful feelings that I had felt when I was on my own. I could visualize myself screamming for help in a foreign land (as I was away from home since I turned 10) but to no avail. I was expected to grow up "overnight" and handle emotional issues like an adult. It was at that very point in time that God spoke to me and revealed Himself to me. There was no one who could take away my hurt and the void in my heart, except Jesus. Only He alone knew how I felt as He had experienced abandonment before.

The resentment was deep rooted and stay buried for many years until yesterday. I had to come to terms with my own feelings before I could deal with Clarissa's hurt. The amazing part is: after I have prayed and cried before our Father, I felt released and healed.

Ever since becoming an adult, I know that my parents had made the right decision to send me away to Singapore to study; but what I didn't realize was that I needed to be set free from my emotional burden. Thank you God for using Clarissa to remind me that I have some unreconciled issues to deal with. Most of all, thank you for setting me free from feeling abandoned!

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17)

The Flip Side

Sometimes, I feel that as a parent, God has given me many impossible tasks. For example, I find it impossible to stay sane and happy while tutoring Clarissa on her English and Chinese. However, it was also when Clarissa started to apply what she had learnt that made me feel that I should carry on, as her every small achievements made me proud!

Every tiny step forward, every small improvement, whether in her studies, physical achievement or character enhancement, brings such immense joy that I find myself smiling silly as I doze off to sleep at night. However, if I were not involved in all these minute details of her life, I wouldn't be able to be a partaker of such happy occasions. There is thus a flip side to every struggle that I go through as a parent. And it just depends on how I view it, really.

During the last school holiday, my brother brought his brood back to Kampar for a few days. On the day of their arrival, the kids were making so much noise that I found it impossible to catch a nap. Their voices could be heard resonating throughout the house! Finally, I gave up trying to nap and went to the TV room and found my dad alone, watching his favourite show. "Its impossible to rest when there are so many kids in the house!" I exclaimed. "This is what I call a prosperous family! If there were no noise, there would be no life!" he answered with a smile.

I found myself chewing on this profound and yet simple truth. As a born pessimist, I realized that God is slowing using my children to mould and change me to think positively. Never in my wildest dream would I ever think that God would care to look into my pessimism! But, I am excited that He is putting me through this process where I can discover joy in my struggles, delight in my failure! What a total contradiction to my character. Thank you God for choosing the best mean to transform my weaknesses.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book." (Psa 139: 13-16)

A Child’s Fear

Clarissa has a fear that she knows that she has to deal with. Despite her seemingly calm demeanor on stage, she suffers from immense stage fright, one which I could totally identify with. Therefore, despite being the only English speaking person in her class, she will decline firmly whenever the opportunity of English public speaking is presented to her.

Her teachers were at a lost. I am at a lost. Two days ago, she announced to Ray & I that she had again declined the offer presented by her teacher. "My classmates told me that I could do it, but I know that I can't!" she said. "You know, you are the only person who thinks that you can't do it. Even your classmates, teachers and your family think you can!" I tried to explain the root of her fear to her. "In fact, Satan wants you to think that you can't do it. He wants you to think that you can't do anything!" as I recalled the daily devotions that I have been doing with her for the past few days carried the common theme of how Satan implant lies in us to make us feel defeated.

She looked troubled and sad. The bondage of fear was slowly taking root in her life. As I too suffer from inexplicable phobia myself, I know that mere words alone could not convince her; only God's words could deliver her. Today, I had to use Ray's car to fetch the kids from the music class as mine was in the workshop. Driving a different car, gave rise to different songs and different perspective.

Later in the night, Clarissa came to give me a hug. "Mum, I have some good news for you, should I tell you?" She said teasingly. "Of course you must tell me!" I said "Well, on the way back from my music class today, I heard the song that said "God Will Make A Way Where There Seem to be No Way". Then, I lifted my eyes and saw in the sky, untold peace. At that very instant, I could feel that God was telling me that everything is well and I Need Not Fear!" she related her experience happily away. "Most of all, I feel that I am prepared to take up the challenge to stand on stage!" Not only am I immensely proud and relief for her as a parent, I am also greatly humbled and grateful that God has chosen to deal with Clarissa's fear like a loving father.

I feel helpless many a time when confronted with the weaknesses or fear of my children, for I don't have the power to change them; However, I take great comfort in knowing that Our Heavenly Father not only has the ability but the sensitivity to handle a child's worst fear. Thank you God for showing me that I can always turn to you whenever I feel inadequate as a parent.

Gratefulness

Every Wednesday, the night life in Kampar comes alive! The night market here sells a wide range of yummy food, such as the Taiwanese sausages, Ipoh famed salted chicken, Clarissa's favourite chicken fingers, Joseph's must-have-ice-jelly, Daddy's weekly treat of Cameron Highland sweet corns and Mummy's cheap supply of honey sweet mangoes! However, there is one set back – it always rains on Wednesday nights!

This Wednesday was no different. Having left the house with a promising sunshine to fetch the children back from their art & music class in Gopeng (another town 15 min drive away), we were greeted with dark clouds as soon as we entered Kampar. Soon, we could see small and sparse drops of rain on our car windscreen. My normal response would be "Oh well, we don't want to get ourselves wet and our feet muddy right? Let's head home." Today, after a period of absence at the night market, I made an exception. "We are going with our umbrellas!" both Clarissa and Joseph were delighted at my suggestion and were eagerly anticipating their purchases.

Once there, the rain began. Despite having our umbrellas and moving as fast as we could through the crowd, we were wet and our feet were, well, covered with sand. We made our intended stops at the stalls as fast as possible. At one point, a lady (who was my mum's friend) commented "Wow, you were brave (read crazy) to come with your children in this weather!" Our last stop was the mango stall. By then, I was struggling with holding my umbrella, carrying our goodies and keeping Joe inside the sheltered area. I could barely reach for my wallet without dropping any of our bags. "Well, this is it! I have spent all my money and we are soooooo wet!" I exclaimed to Clarissa as we headed back to the car.

Despite being drenched, the children were very happy with what they had bought. When we arrived home, Clarissa came up to me with a RM1 in her hand and asked "Mummy, where is your wallet?" "Upstairs. Why?" I said. "You have used up your money in buying things for us. This RM1 is taken from my piggy bank and I would like to give it to you to show that I am grateful for all that you have done!" she spoke like an adult, no, scratch that, she spoke like a saint! I was profoundly moved by what she said!

If I could have my way, I would relive the drenched moments just to get her to say this to me once more! I wonder when we show our gratefulness to our Heavenly Father, would His response be the same? Afterall, our thanksgivings may seem very insignificant compared to what Jesus had done on the cross for us. At that very instant, I felt that the answer is yes, God would be moved too. That was why He had used this sacred moment to reveal to me how a child's response could bring tremendous blessings to the parent. Thank you God for blessing me with Clarissa and yes, I would want to be grateful for everything that you have done for me because whenever I do so, You would beam with pride and pleasure!