Can’t Stop Crying

Unlike Clarissa who is demure and obedient, Joseph is rough, stubborn and in short LOUD. If his toys were not arranged in the same way that he had left it before he went to school, he would scream; If his transformers were 1mm out of position, he would cry; If his pasar malam stickers were a little crinkled, he would whine. I am really struggling with his demand for perfection behaviour. Almost every night, we would pray, together with him, about his anger management.

This night is no exception. He woke up from his afternoon nap and was upset that I had been to the park with Clarissa without him. He demanded my attention by crying non-stop. Based on experience, I know he will take about 1 hour to calm down; But tonight, I am not willing to give in as its puasa month, the maid hasn’t had her dinner yet and Joseph wanted her to stay with him until he had finished his dinner. Therefore, despite knowing that I would fail, I tried to reason with him; unknowingly, my tone of voice grew louder while his cries magnified manifold! Finally, I gave up and told him that as soon as he had finished his dinner, he must let kakak leave the room so that she could break her fast. He responded by crying even louder and that was the time I made my exit.

Ray and I went out for a quick bite, as I was worried that Joseph would still be clinging onto kakak. By the time when we got back, I was pleasantly surprised to find that kakak was “freed”. I brought some cut-up mangoes to Joseph and he smiled. “Mummy, I wanted to stop crying just now…but I can’t!” I could feel my tears gathering in my eyes. Before I could respond, he repeated himself again “I can’t stop crying! I wanted to, but can’t” " I sure know how that feels but its ok. Next time, you ask Jesus to help you ok?" I managed to reply. I realized that despite what I had thought, Joseph is actually fighting within himself! He knows what is right and he is struggling to do it!

“ For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do – this I keep on doing.”

As much as Joseph is struggling, I am also struggling daily with the same, knowing what is right and not doing it. God has started work in Joseph, helping him to manage his anger and disappointment; what a sweet reminder that both of us are still being molded by God.